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Old 04-19-2012, 05:31 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
MC,

I cannot recall if you said you are interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with a woman. Forgive me if you've said already. Are you bi or queer?

If you are not, or just a bit attracted to women, then why in the world would you try and date a woman with your partner?
I have had some but not a lot of experience dating women, but I am probably more interested in that than dating men right now.

Quote:
Also if you are truly uninterested in looking for other partners either just for you or as a couple then don't date anyone right now. It would be a disservice to all involved. Just because your partner wants other partners doesn't mean you need to date too. You could be a poly person who is not dating or looking right now. Lots of people do that. Or you can be a mono person in a relationship with a poly partner.
Agreed. But I also don't think I would be doing anyone any favors if he started dating someone while I was completely miserable and hating both of them for it.

I don't see myself as a mono person and that's not really what I want in the long term. I am positive that it is just a matter of time until I also want to be dating other people, so leaving this relationship and trying to find a mono arrangement seems counterproductive. Dealing with the underlying jealousy issues seems to be the only way out. I should also mention that there are some huge trust issues due to how the last poly attempt played out; my partner acknowledges this and seems to feel a little embarrassed about how he behaved, but he seems to think that I need to just get over it.

Quote:

Adding another person to your dynamic with your partner will not result in less jealousy or unhappiness for you. Dating the same person is no magic bullet against jealousy or other painful emotions. You will have to deal with jealousy and similar problems anyway.

Do you feel like you've made progress in understanding the causes of your jealousy? Does your partner? Do you feel like you have some tools to help you understand? You can certainly ask for more time from your partner, especially if you are working on jealousy issues. There is no timeline where at the end you are suddenly totally ok with poly. But that should not be an indefinite time where you and he do not address your concerns and his.

Finally, maybe you are not meant to be poly. There is nothing wrong with that. There is also no timeline to figure that out either but it may be you two are not suited to each other.
I really felt like I was making progress. I thought I had identified a lot of the root issues, which felt like it was helpful, even though that didn't magically fix them. And then I found myself crying at work this morning because I am so fucking terrified of what is going to happen when the break period is up. And I feel really sad and isolated, because I can't talk about it with most of my friends; they pretty much think I brought this on myself. Which I am inclined to agree with.
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