Okay, I have a bit of an update. After the girl broke off communication with us (she said, "I am done with all of this. Good luck in whatever you two do.") we began picking up the pieces. We saw her words as a finality. She was done being involved with us, she wasn't getting what she wanted and we were deteriorating as a couple as a result.
A few weeks later she sends my bf a text message telling him how much she misses him, etc. He doesn't respond. The next day she sends another text telling him that she's dedicating a dance that she was choreographing to their relationship and she just thought he should know that. He didn't answer.
By this point it has become clear to me that this is her M.O. with him. Introducing him to a relationship with her in spite of whatever monogamous relationship he's in at the time and then telling him how he'll never be happy if he doesn't allow himself the freedom to be with her. In the past this always turned into cheating and lying (their initial relationship was born of lies and deceit). With me he wanted to be honest because he valued me as a partner and didn't want what happened in the past to happen with me. So we worked on it. And it ended up not being fast enough (or whatever) for her, so she voluntarily removed herself from our relationship and life. Then all these messages started showing up.
A few weeks after the dance dedication text she contacts him again to tell him again how much she misses him and just wants to see him and can't we all talk and maybe she can just see him or maybe we can all four of us meet up even though she says she's positive I hate her. He doesn't answer at first, but eventually tells her he misses her friendship, but doesn't think getting together is the best idea.
Bf and I discuss and it's decided that he needs to be honest with her and he needs to explain to her that by contacting him like she's doing she is causing strain, anxiety and pain for him, for me, and for us. And that they cannot even be friends right now because her presence in our life is derailing the progress we have made with our relationship since she had left.
Her response is completely overblown dramatics. She's practically bawling through the text message, telling him he's being disrespectful by texting that and that he should look her in the eye and tell her and oh please can't they just have one last walk in the woods? Please. She begged
This is when I decided to get involved. I have to say, though, that I was extremely proud of myself for not becoming overly dramatic or emotional or nasty in my messages to her explaining how her messages to him made me feel disrespected. This little threesome is starting to really become a drag on my relationship with my bf. I decided to contact her and explained that if anyone has been disrespected in this situation it has been me. Not only when they kissed and kept it from me for months, but they had an emotional relationship for what probably lasted over a year while knowingly and purposefully keeping it from me. In my book that's cheating.
She removed herself
from our relationship and then when it's him/us telling her, no, you really do need to stay away, suddenly she's bawling like he's just broken up with her.
By coming back to text him sweet nothings she knows fully well that she is placing strain on a relationship that's in the healing process. I explained to her just that. Coming back every month to tell him how much you miss/love him is going to be a huge hindrance to us working on and growing our relationship. She's not stupid. She may not be in a monogamous relationship, but she's well aware of how they work and she knows that right now we are in one and we are in a fragile place.
Certain things were said that I could understand and it's very clear to all of us now (I think) that no one is happy at where our individual relationships were left as a result of this. Meaning, I'm not happy that she and her bf aren't in our life, they're not happy that we're not in theirs and my bf's not happy that their not in ours either. But I explained to her that it's too soon and I not only don't feel like I can trust her, but I don't feel like I can trust him with
her (because of what's transpired in the past).
My bf and I have decided together to work on our relationship, to help it become the most meaningful and love-filled that it can be. She knows this because she knows we are still together. I think it was incredibly disrespectful of her to try and worm her way back in. At least that's the impression I got from her messages.
Maybe one day I can trust her again, but that's not going to be until I have full confidence in my relationship with my bf. Only then will I be able to start the healing process with her.
Am I wrong for wanting her to butt out at this time (as she herself said she would and wanted to)? Should I even be entertaining the idea of letting her back into our life at some point in the future? For anyone who's had something similar happen in a relationship, is it at all possible to be able to trust someone who claims to be highly ethical, but who's actions in the past have proven otherwise (cheating with my bf, lying by omission)? I have seen nothing but selfishness from her in this last year and a half and I've been made to feel not like my bf's partner, but like a block to what she and he wanted. However, I do believe there's something better there. I think that if I knew her better it would be different (because we have different ideas about a lot of things and I am a firm believer that learning about and embracing the differences between us creates understanding and love), but I can't at the moment allow her into my life to be able to embrace her. I fear I would be always looking at her with suspicion, I would be micro-analyzing every conversation, every look and laugh directed at not only my bf, but me as well.
My bf and I are in an extremely good place right now.
Things are starting to feel the way they did pre-poly talks, but better, with a stronger bond and love (and you all know poly talks are famous for producing that even if the relationship does not convert). I want us to be able to continue on this healing path, but I am also curious to know if anyone has advice as to what should be done in the future in regards to this girl and her bf, who we really would like to be involved in our life (even if only as friends)