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Old 11-26-2009, 05:34 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, ME
Posts: 26
Default Still not sure if polyamory is right for me (us)...

Hello all! Firstly I'd like to express my excitement at having located this group. I've been interested in polyamory for a very long time but have never been able to make it work in my own life. I've discussed it in almost every serious monogamous relationship I've had, but have never been able to bring it to fruition.

For a bit of background, I'm an out, bisexual "female" (although I'm on the cusp of transition, still not sure how far I will take it) and I'm in a monogamous relationship with a male whose gender identity is similarly fluid. He's wanted to transition and go through reassignment surgery in the past, but because of the negative reactions he received from friends, he's put it on the shelf almost entirely and now lives full time as a man. I've always wanted to date a transgendered individual, not only because they would be understanding of my own gender issues, but would (hopefully) satiate my desire to experience love, romance, and sexual fulfillment with persons of the male and female persuasion.

In all of my longterm relationships, after dating someone of one gender for a sustained period of time, I begin to crave the opposite gender. The same is happening now. I've been with my current for over a year, and before him, I'd dated a string of straight males. I didn't have much opportunity to date women, as the ones I'd been interested in were in relationships, or I met them when I was already attached and they wanted something exclusive, etc. I met my current via okcupid, and I'd specified on there I wasn't into dating straight men and wanted to date someone either female, transgendered, or intersexed. In his profile he said he felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I assumed I'd get a chance to love the woman trapped within, if you will. To my dismay, it's been very hard for him to express much of his feminine side, even in private. I've made it clear that I would be totally accepting of him exploring this with me. I've encouraged him to start dressing more feminine. He says he doesn't want to do it in this city period, even at home because it would only make him sad that he couldn't do it in public. We're planning to move to San Francisco this summer, and he's said he'll be more open to tapping into that aspect of himself once we're out there.

In the meantime, I've been fantasizing about women. I'm friends with quite a few gay and bisexual women that I've had some flirtation with; I even had an ill-fated threesome with one of them and my current several months back. It wasn't my first threesome, and I've come to the conclusion that threesomes just aren't for me. While they can be fun, they only seem to complicate things and ultimately leave me cold. I've been honest about my flirtation and desires with my significant other, but we've not yet reached a resolution as to how to solve my dilemma. The hangup is on my end this time.

In order for me to feel comfortable dating another girl, (or girls,) I'd have to be okay with the idea of my current being able to do the same... Right? Ideally (and selfishly) I'd like to be able to date other girls but for my partner to be exclusively with me. Yes, I know how bad that sounds.

The issue I have is as follows: I'm bi. My partner fulfills my needs for male interaction, but I still crave women. If he were bi and told me he was having similar feelings, I'd be understanding of this and would have no problem with him seeing other guys so long as they practiced safe sex (I've dated a "bi" guy before and had no issue with this). I wouldn't feel threatened by men, because I know they could provide for my partner emotional interaction and, to be frank, sexual interaction that I simply can't. If my partner were to date other women, however, I'd perceive it as competition and I know I'd be jealous. I'd feel threatened and afraid he'd grow to love another woman more than myself, and I know I'd be hurt. I've tried explaining this to my current, but this is usually about where the conversation ends as we're both uncertain as to what to do. I've been here so many times before with straight men, so my frustration is now at an all-time high. This is why I was wary of dating another straight man, because I felt in my heart this is exactly where I'd end up.

Can anyone out there offer any advice? Am I being totally unreasonable?
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