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Old 04-19-2012, 12:16 AM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Detroit
Posts: 112

Originally Posted by Mudita View Post
What constitutes cheating to the folks on this forum? Or more to the point are there some kinds of cheating that are ok?
Hmm... dictionary time! (All definitions in this post are from Merriam Webster


transitive verb
1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting <cheat death>
intransitive verb
1 a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly <cheat at cards> <cheating on a test>
2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on <was cheating on his wife>
3: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area <the shortstop was cheating toward second base>

Essentially, to cheat is to violate rules, act dishonestly, or deceive others. It also mentions something about baseball which doesn't apply. It also mentions sexual unfaithfulness. Unfaithful means:


: not faithful: a : not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty : disloyal <an unfaithful friend> b : not faithful to marriage vows <suspected her husband of being unfaithful> c : inaccurate, untrustworthy <an unfaithful copy of a document>

Again, breaking agreements, deceit, dishonesty...

Therefore, in the context of romantic and/or sexual relationships, cheating is not adhering to agreed upon rules. Many monos I know would be disappointed to discover that exclusivity is not intrinsic to the concept.

As for whether or not certain kinds cheating are okay: If a situation exists in which dishonesty is okay, then in such a situation cheating is okay. If a situation exists in which dishonesty is not okay, then in such a situation cheating is not okay.

As for the original question, when to reveal that one is polyamorous: With those I date, as soon as possible. In general, monogamy is the assumed standard. The longer any deviation from this goes unmentioned, the greater the chance for misunderstandings. It can be argued that if one waits, the other person may be more open to polyamory if it's not something they're used to than if it is mentioned upfront. I do not agree with this as I feel I'd be misrepresenting myself. Also, if someone's reaction to me saying "I'm polyamorous" is to make assumptions, not discuss it with me, and walk away, they're not the kind of person I want to be romantically involved with. I'd much rather be with someone that will ask questions and try to understand my point of view, while at the same time sharing their views and helping me to understand them.

Those I'm not dating, when it's relevant. In general I'm fairly open about myself, but I don't wear a t-shirt that has "I'm polyamorous" printed on it or anything. Although, that sounds like a fun idea.
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