Originally Posted by Phy
Cheating is about doing something 'wrong' intentionally (wrong according to the personal standards and morals of a person). [...] The biggest indication for this would be that she found out about her feelings AFTER he broke up the contact with her.
[...] Give her some time to sort her feelings out. If she never thought about the possibility of loving more than one this can be quite a shock for her.
I love this advise. I have very similar feelings about this.
For me, even before opening our marriage and embracing polyamory, I'd understand if someone fell emotionally
in love so long as they didn't pursue it. We're human, and the heart feels what it feels.
If someone mono is having poly feelings for the first time, then it must have been a confusing experience. She might not have fully understood it, or if she did, she might have felt guilty or not known what to do about it. The two of you had no frame of reference on this. If she didn't pursue her feelings physically, then I'd feel she held up her end of the agreement for a monogamous relationship, give them the benefit of a doubt, and be supportive.
That said, if the two of you wish to pursue polyamory, then this is the opportunity to determine how to proceed in the future, if/when something like this happens again. She's now prepared for it, aware that she can have these kind of emotions, realizes that it's ok (assuming the two of you really ARE ok with being poly together), and can talk with you about it much sooner. The two of you can establish your ground rules... do you want to approve each other's OSOs? Have veto power? Or just communicate ahead of time of any potential love interests?