I was hoping for more concrete strategies. But am mulling over what's been posted thus far.
One thing I have requested recently that has seemed to make a huge difference for me today...
I asked him, when feasible, to add in a call or text when he gets up in the morning, and before he goes to bed when he is not staying here.
It really seems to start my day off on a better foot.
On his working nights, he already was generally giving a call or IM before work, and messaging on his breaks in the evening (multi-texting can make for some frustrating errors.)
I did ask him to just a quick "goodnight" text, to NOT call, on the work evenings when he gets home and his wife is awake because I felt guilty like I was taking away from time they could have alone together (great co-dependant thinking there, eh.)
Originally Posted by km34
working on yourself to get to a point where you're happy that he's happy.
I am happy that he is happy. No problem with compersion towards his relationship with his wife. I love hearing about their happy moments. The strength of his commitment to her is one of the things I admire about him.
My solution to my problem is another partner. In the meantime, I cope. *sigh*
I don't want another partner, though yes it would be both easier and harder for me. Sunshine fulfills every desire I ever knew I had and few I wasn't even aware of, with the exception of time.
I have been actively poly before, when I was with my (abusive, emotionally & more) husband.. but my OSOs then filled the physical and emotional black holes I was coping with. I was able to overcome, for the most part, my co-dependence and low relationship self-esteem issues and begin to detach from that. I wasn't even looking for a partner when S came back in my life.
If I *were* to add another partner I would be shortchanging myself of some of the limited time S and I have together (damn mono thinking - LOL)
in my experience, coping strategies don't work
Curious, what did you try that didn't work?
That can sometimes be just as beneficial to hear as what does.
a choice between that or sitting around pining
I do pine, but I don't sit around pining. I have friends, work, professional activities, family, hobbies that can more than fill the time.
But so often I just want to share those with him. I want to wake up,get a snuggle or hug, and read the paper together, to be able to stroke his back goodnight. I don't want to be joined at the hip, or together 24/7 - that's just not healthy.. all people do need personal time and activities to varying degrees.
How do you and she interact? Do you fight like cats? Could you take or leave the other? Would it be so difficult for her to let you be a larger part of your partner's life? How does he feel about your growing feelings? Is he perhaps not as committed as you are?
And how long have you been together? Just curious.
I've delayed addressing your post to try to keep it more generally focused on suggestions, but will go ahead now...
We have been together a short time, 8 months. But we both loved/longed for each other initially for many years in grade school/high school (starting 34 years ago.) Then we essentially lost contact, joined the military, married, moved away, had kids, and moved back to the home area again.
We never lost what we both had back then, but were afraid of pursuing further in fear of losing the friendship.
As for his wife, she encourages our relationship, even commenting how it has improved their relationship as well. She knows how committed we are to each other, and of our plans to have a commitment ceremony in the not too distant future. She and I do not have more than passing interaction with each other as her schedule is very, very full to the point of stressful, and she wants to keep what little "me time" she has to herself. I would like to get to know her better, but will not push other than occasional invitations to things I believe she would enjoy. She has agreed to perhaps having a double date sometime when her main OSO is visiting, but does not feel comfortable just the three of us going out and will not consider the just two of us getting together socially in the foreseeable future. Feels a bit odd, considering we all seemed ok together the evening when S and I snuggled on the couch, while she IM'd her main OSO, and their youngest son sat next to her playing videogames. But, we all have our own comfort levels and I respect that.