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Old 04-17-2012, 06:37 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 648
Default Surgery and tutoring

My mother will undergo lymph node surgery today. When I visited her yesterday evening she was so calm and positive and reassured that everything will work out just fine that I was amazed. As things look right now she will have a second operation of her breasts in four weeks, as there was no expander of the right size available (her breasts are really small) and that's why they need to order one. For the same reason they decided that it would be best to remove all of the glandular tissue of both breasts, as there would be hardly anything left as soon as the tumor is out. My mother had a quite logical explanation for her calm: She never had much to loose and was coping better with it than a woman with larger breasts who now has to get used to a different body feel and image. Makes sense, kind of. I am unsure if the practical outcome will be anything like the theory, but I am not as worried as I would have been with a different state of mind of hers.

The one having more problems with the situation is my father. He has always been a quiet person and introverted and is having a hard time coping with everything, as he is mostly unable to voice his concerns. My siblings and we (Sward, Lin, I) started taking turns on cooking for him in the evening and check in with him over the day to give him the opportunity to talk a bit about what is on his mind. We will see how well is able to be there for our mother when the chemo starts. It is sure by now that she will undergo eight sessions every second or third week after the surgery in May. Really hoping for the best outcome right now.

Another thing on my mind, not as pressing as this one but still important, is an issue one of my pupils is facing right now. The little boy is in fourth grade at the moment and he has always been not that easy to handle. Difficulties with concentrating on things, calming down generally or not being socially awkward as he has a special way with things what makes him the odd one out in most cases. Yesterday was an exceptional bad day and I just asked him what was on his mind as things seem to be really off that afternoon. He told me that the problem was his mother. Streaming in tears he expressed that he didn't know what it was that he was doing in a wrong way to make her always mad at him and shout at him. That he always needs to help out and that she regularly gets mad and that his older brother never needs to help out and can play video games all day.

This is the first case where I feel the need to intervene but I don't know what is an appropriate way of doing so. I don't want to worsen the situation for him by talking to his mother, but there is a clear gap between their capabilities of voicing their needs and concerns. He isn't able to do that himself in a way his mother understands. The mother does care about her son, otherwise he wouldn't be with us (receiving private tutoring) but I think it would be important for her to see that part of the problems her son is facing in school is because she is causing even more stress that makes it hard for him to concentrate on different things besides his problems with her and how to please her.

Well, not much about poly this time, but that were just the things on my mind as I am nervously waiting for some kind of notification about the status of things on my mothers side.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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