Hi, thanks for the detailed breakdown and advice - and especially for ending with a Portal reference
- As for why I haven't met Jill: Chris left for training in July '11, at which point the first poly talk hadn't happened yet. Prior to that, I'd just never had both opportunity and motive to meet Jill. Currently, she's kind of in town and kind of not. She's attending a college 2 hours away, but she bounces back and forth between here and there in a somewhat irregular pattern. Maybe when he comes home, he and I can take a road trip to her school for introductions and a night out? The only obstacle I see there is the pretext: what would he say to her that wouldn't make it seem strange? Why would it suddenly be so important to him that she meet one of his friends during one of his rare vacation weeks?
-Regarding the lack of direct communication between Chris and I about bringing Jill into the equation: since he's training 18 hours a day, I don't feel that now is the best time to say "Hey, when are you going to tell your fiancee that there's another dude that wants to bang you, and probably wouldn't object if she joined in?" He'll be home for a few weeks in July; we've explicitly agreed to talk about it then, but I want to be as prepared as I can be for that conversation.
-Regarding my assumption that he's scared to talk to her: good point. I should stay on top of the communication thing, but it seems again to just be a timing issue. Perhaps I should do that in July when he's home? As for helping him articulate his fears and feelings, the "worst case scenario" angle sounds like it could be helpful.
-My wife and I have talked about this and outlined our boundaries, and we've given each other a green light to do anything within them. I think it's statistically unlikely that I would fall for Jill in Chris' absence, just because I'm attracted to very specific and relatively uncommon attributes in people, but if it were to happen I personally am not all that worried about it. I think my general life strategy applies here just as well: you can evaluate and plan for likely scenarios, but you can't predict with complete accuracy, so just stay flexible, stay honest and objective, and deal with things as they happen.
Thanks again for the input, reading it and typing out this reply has helped me further clarify some things and given me a few ideas to kick around.