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Old 04-17-2012, 04:27 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
I apologize in advance for the wall of text;
Don't be silly, you have paragraph breaks and everything. Welcome.

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
... taking everything slowly and carefully; any input on my current situation will be greatly appreciated.
I don't have a heckuva a lot of input. Slowly and carefully sounds terrific. I invite you to know that slowly and carefully may not prevent tears and hurt feelings, but it will likely help them heal more quickly.

So, Chris knows of your interest in Chris?

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
It's possible some of you may be concerned with the fact that there's such an age gap between "us" and "them."
Five years is really not that huge. It feels more huge at your age, and it is a bigger difference, usually, than say the five years between 30 and 35. But modern times and particularly poly seem to have a little less ageism than other times or orientations.

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
I know Chris fairly well, I haven't met Jill in person.
Why? Because he took off before you had a chance? My bf and I have 'couple dates' all the time, and not because of poly; mostly because he's unbelievably gregarious and likes to go do stuff with people.

Oh, sorry, your wife is away. That rules out couples dates. got it.

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
Jill knows of me, but I have no clue what she knows or what she and Chris have talked about.
That seems odd, too. He hasn't mentioned anything of that to you? He brought up that you two should consider poly, and you did consider it, seriously; but he hasn't done anymore than say that?

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
Now for my questions:
1) Jill knows Chris is bi, but I don't think (although I don't know for sure) that he has directly proposed an open relationship to her yet. I know Chris well enough to assume, knowing full well that I may be wrong, that he's somewhat mortified of bringing up the topic of a complex relationship.
In the spirit of communicate, communicate, communicate, I recommend not making that assumption. It doesn't mean only communicate with your wife. You could ask him. I recommend it, since it is a question that weighs on you.

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
He knows I won't proceed with him until and unless Jill is informed and on board, but I also don't want to pressure him about it, especially since he's still in the middle of some hardcore training.
That's just awesome!

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
Can anyone offer some suggestions on how and when to talk with him about his conversation with Jill, and perhaps how I might assuage some of his fears about her possible reactions?
I recommend working with him on how to assuage her possible reactions. Have you talked with him about how you told your wife and her reactions? And you're quite right to wait until 'hardcore training' is completed. It might be a better conversation to have in person, as so much context is lost in text (email text snailmail whatever)(for me, even the phone loses a lot).

Sometimes fear can be addressed by 'what's the worst possible thing you could imagine happening?' 'She'll freak out and leave me' (could be, could be 'she'll want to date another man and then she'll run off with him'). And then talking about how that might get handled. But not always. I think you need to find out first IF it's fear that's stopping him, and then work with him on how to address that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
3) If all parties are willing, might it be a good idea for Jill and I to meet and get to know each other, since she and I are still physically in the same town and will be for the next 6 months or so? Or is it probably better to save those kinds of introductions for a group setting?
I should think it would be a great idea; but what if you guys fall for each other? What will the respective spouses think of that? It's been known to happen. Is she into the game too? Could she come to the game group? It might be a way for her to feel connected to him. (I know it would to me, were I in that situation. It would be the sort of thing I would do.)

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
4) Ideally, I'd like to maintain at least a platonic friendship with Chris;
Sounds like you're doing that.

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Originally Posted by Metriste View Post
Well, there it is. Sorry for the crazy-long post, I hope it made enough sense to decipher. Thanks again for reading all this and anyone who can offer some insight has my deep gratitude, and possibly cake.
well, Itís so delicious and moist, how can I resist? Look at me still talking while there's science to do....
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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