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Old 04-17-2012, 02:32 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 396
Default Adjusting

Carob left on the weekend. It took longer than I thought it would to reconnect with him this time... I've been going quite far on personal adventures and needed a bit of recalibration with his ways of being and putting things. Was all good, though.

Sad to see him off (of course) and mingled a bit with baseless fear of abandonment. He's recently hooked up with a sweet friend of his, Ella. I can tell she's really nice, though I know her much less well than he does. Apparently she's quite into him and he is likewise smitten (so so cute).

Last night they had a date to catch up, since he'd got back there the previous day. For this and other reasons we haven't had a proper chance to chat since he left. I think the contrast (seeing him almost 24/7, then not at all) was a bit unbalancing.

Anyway re: Carob's date with Ella last night, I wasn't feeling jealousy per se, but this odd longing... like ligaments were being stretched, and I really wanted to touch or talk just a little, to stop wobbling. I was surprised how much this coloured my mood. Anyway here's a snippet from an e-mail I wrote to C this morning:

last night, had strange emotions. was making out with sugar, was sweet... but it was mixed in with missing you and feeling non-rationally weird about you and ella... i tried to think maybe you guys were hooking up and having a good time and i tried to fill up my heart with the joy of that being a good thing, to somehow riff off my imagination of some kind of combined happy energies... but actually i felt odd, and sad, and missing you, and craving to resolve some unfinished threads of things between us, and yeah. just wasn't feeling good and i kinda had to sleep it off. didn't unload this shit on sugar, was quite tired anyway... mmm... yeah. i guess i'm just adjusting. it's heady eh. but good. real. baby steps. ah how often we are reborn

Last edited by fuchka; 04-17-2012 at 02:35 AM.
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