Our first month or so of dating was fantastic in every way. We got together twice a week - Wednesday evenings we hung out with Kitty and Thomas, Sundays we had the day to ourselves. A couple times on Saturdays we had "family days" that also included Derrick, Dora and Elmo. Good stuff! Pretty good communication between dates too, which helps for me a lot since given the drive time, I can't just "stop by", things have to be planned so much.
Then life started encroaching and shifting the fun NRE off to the side. Work conferences, work schedule changes, visitations for Dora, etc etc. Scheduling has gotten to be pretty tricky - particularly scheduling any one on one time - which has made things frustrating at times. The logistics are a challenge at time.
I've recognized through long conversations with Derrick and some of my good friends, that some of what I am frustrated by, I have to let go. Some things are simply beyond my power to control. For example, this is my first relationship that has started since I had kids, and the first time I have dated someone with kids. OF COURSE that will impact things. That is not something that can really be changed, aside from trying to find a good balance of kid free dates as well as kid inclusive dates.
Something else I haven't been very strong with is communication. I know, I know - bad Green. This was pointed out first by Derrick, and then by Marty. Marty was actually pretty sweet about it. You see, I have worked out in my mind that if I dare to speak up about anything - if I express that I would like things different, etc - I will then be "too much work" and not worth dating. Marty basically told me the opposite is more true - if I "suffer in silence" and make him guess, that is the too much work option.
I also realized that in holding back on conversations due to fear, and in moderating my behavior so much due to fear, I am doing everyone a disservice in that I am not being authentically "me". So that is changing. I also realized I may be trying too hard to not rock the boat, and giving off the appearance that I just don't care. That is changing too.
Starting tonight. We are getting together for a couple hours for his bday. It will include Kitty and Thomas (unless he is asleep), at least peripherally, and that is fine, as it is his birthday. I'm going to do my best tonight to not let fear or doubt keep me from being me, while still obviously behaving in an appropriate fashion.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.