Thanks for the replies
Originally Posted by rolypoly
Maybe L needs time? Maybe a different approach? (Not sure what). I can see how it is difficult to be at a standstill when you're willing and wanting to discuss things, but it takes two to do that...
Yes, of course he needs time, I can see that. I am patient by nature, and T is also prepared to be patient. But I suspect that L may use the waiting game as another way to keep things on his terms.
I don't like game laying. And I;m not even sure that L sees that it might be game playing. He's just trying to cope, reacting to a new and very difficult situation.
Originally Posted by redpepper
Perhaps if you told L that you are beginning to find a need to go underground with your love and that is not going to work for the long haul then he will sit up and listen. It probably would help if you were to spend time all three of you together. Bottom line is that he needs time and you will have to wait, keep communicating and be patient.
There are many stories on here that are similar to yours... please read as much as you can on here and elsewhere, because you are not alone.
I wish it were possible to have a meeting with all three of us. L has said he cannot think of meeting T. Originally he said "In case I like him". Now I think he simply cannot contemplate such a thing. He seems very stuck.
I am open and looking for any and every opening for discussion, but L keeps shutting it down, avoiding it, and I don't want to force him to talk about it when it clearly is so painful for him. However, avoiding it is also very clearly causing him pain.
He even said that he wishes I'd just had an affair and left him in "blissful ignorance". I pulled him up on that and he admitted it was not the better option.
I don't want to use emotional leverage though: I hate ultimatums, they never work. By saying "I'm beginning to find a need to go underground with this love and that is not going to work for the long haul", am I not creating an ultimatum? Is that really my best option?
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
Sometimes you just have to make a choice in life. Hopefully you will be able to work through it and all be happy. Happiness may or may not result in being together. Just accept that while loving two may seem natural to you it may be beyond the ability of others. Nothing wrong with that..just life.
Yes, life... But the thought of losing either one of them is just horrible.
Why is it that something that has the potential to be so beautiful, abundant and embracing can also be the source of pain and exclusion....
The irony is that in all the years we've been together, L has always had intimate emotional attachments to other women. I have always allowed and even encouraged these attachments. They have never become physical, but I know that he has been in love with some of them. Indeed, he is currently involved with one and has been for two years.
I too have had close emotional connections with other men over the years. The difference now is that I want to be sexual with T.
Why does L feel so much more threatened by this aspect of it? I know you guys can't answer this for me, I know it can only be resolved in discussion and by communication, but in the absence of such an opportunity, I have to use the keyboard and an internet forum to straighten out my thoughts....