Their relationship moved fast. There were rules set up, but they were torn down mere days after being set and usually without my notice. I guess the worst part was when they had sex and my wife lied about it for over a month. I knew they were getting into heavy stuff, it was mostly oral and stuff like that. As far as I knew, no sex was a sturdy ground rule. Up to this point, if I had one high point as to the strength of the relationship I have with my wife, it was her honesty and integrity. She had always been super honest and open with information. The fact that she kept this from me was very out of character, which added to the sting. I felt cheated on when she told me later. Betrayed. I don't think I'm wrong in feeling that way, and the damage hasn't fully healed, and due to the way wounds keep being opened up, I don't know if it ever will.
My wife felt bad about it, and broke up with the other guy for about a month, but it was causing strain in our relationship. I had had more time to study poly, see how it might work. More importantly though, I really just want my wife to be happy. It's more important to me than anything. At this point, I agreed to 'permit' it, not that I have possession of my wife or something. Curiously, the other guy decided to act decently and wanted the say-so from me. He was unwilling to fully take my wife's say so on it. So, I made an actual recording of my voice on my wife's phone, laying down that I would be okay with it, and what my sexual boundaries were. My wife and I agreed that the boundaries would not be permanent, but my major (MAJOR) caveat was that I wanted to be in communication. I wanted decisions to be put past me first. I almost always say yes (maybe after an hour-long crying session, of course) because, again, I want her to be happy.
I felt (and still feel) that my being able to deal with poly hinged on my wife been supportive. My sadness made her feel bad and also frustrated her, because often these problems would arise when she needed to sleep for work. I felt like a horrible person carrying on a night, crying, when she needed to sleep, but I don't think I was/am asking much to be kept in on what is going on, especially when I made the huge sacrifice of myself by 'allowing' them to be together, as I'm not sure he would have re accepted my wife without my permission, as he was trying to do the right thing at this point.
So, about two weeks after the recording they are having unprotected sex (using the pull out method...). Inbetween the recording and this point there was every step breaking the boundaries, entirely without my consent. She began spending nights over there. Every new thing hurt. A lot. At this point the pain wasn't even the thought of her being poly and that my entire life had been inverted. It was the fact that right before I had adjusted to the new thing, there was another piece of 'news'. There was absolutely no stability.
At this point I should mention that almost all of this poly business comes down to one thing. My wife wants to have a baby, and doesn't trust me to financially support her. I also want to have a baby, desperately. Since all this poly stuff landed on me I have not left my job, and have been putting out applications for better work. I feel like it's a race against time before she gets pregnant by this other guy 'accidentally'. I don't' even know if I did get a decently paying job that could support both of us, our house, and a baby, if she would want to be with me. She has trust issues with me cause I've let her down before. I've emphatically let her now that everything is different know with all this new pressure, but she's uncertain. I don't' blame her for that.
Other guy knows that she wants a baby, but is afraid to even talk about it. He is out of touch with his emotions, I think. Obviously one would ask why have unprotected sex then, and the reason for that is that he has erectile dysfunction (brought upon by almost two decades of too-furious masturbation, I'm told). So, he can't finish with a condom. Sucks for me, I guess.
MORE, again. Can't believe I had to break it up into 3 posts.
Last edited by Severian; 04-16-2012 at 02:49 PM.