Originally Posted by Johanna39
I have known it would arise again but following discussions with Him, it was made clear to me that i was the primary, always would be and anyone else being considered would not just appear, i would have to know and trust her...even like her i suppose.
I had expected anything like this to be discussed with me first and if possible face to face.
I'm really sorry he went ahead and basically started another relationship without talking to you. That is one of the more common things that seems to happen in new poly.
I wanted to clarify, and ask if your partner SAID he would not just go forward without talking to you, or if you made the assumption (as most people would) that he wouldn't just go forward without taking it slow and talking about it.
I think it's shitty that you were informed of this in a more or less group email. I know D/s dynamics are different than a lot of relationships, and perhaps your agreements mean you have accepted that this is OK, but it smacks of cowardice to me to inform you that way. To me that is about the same as if I were monogamous and walked into my bedroom to find my partner having sex with some stranger and expecting me to embrace it or join in. I would be asking that in the future you were granted more consideration than that. But if he didn't agree with that, I sure wouldn't expect it and would make decisions accordingly
Really I think how he chooses to act from now on is what you should be paying attention to. If he is willing to go slow then I would try to feel safe (as long as you are willing to accept the new poly dynamic) and if he is not, I'd assume he was wrapped up in NRE and probably going to take a lot more hurtful actions before this thing is over.
The one thing is, I know you are upset with her. I know lots of D/s dynamics mean you make friends with her if your D tells you to, even if you don't want to - and I know the way this was introduced, that you are reluctant to do so (and she is probably kind of terrified of this, which might be why she won't respond to your specific questions). However, this is not an issue with her, it is an issue with you and your Domme, and don't let your feelings about her distract you from what the real problem here is. It doesn't matter what his profile says, he choose to act on getting involved with her, and he's a grown man responsible for his decisions. He is the one you need to figure this out with.
I hope that he just handled this first bit badly, and that you are all able to sort this out.