more thoughts on restlessness
I've been away on vacation (with friends, no husband, no lovers) and its been great looking at my life from a little distance, getting some perspective. I've been on my own (in a strange city) a lot while my friends were off exploring on their own, and being alone in a new place always makes me very calm and contemplative. Especially going out to lunch and dinner by myself is always a very empowering experience.. be on my own, have a glass of wine, think, write a little, stare out the window.
I've been feeling really calm and secure about my relationships this week. I've been in touch with Curlz regularly (even though internet is fickle here) and I have a date with him soon after I get back. He'll meet Ren soon I think.. I'm looking forward to that because I think they will really get along.
Communication with MrBrown has been minimal as usual, although we exchanged a couple of loving, but very short messages during the week.
Now this morning he texts me and asks me to come over 2 weeks from now for an extended date (he even proposes an activity for the next day, which is something we've never really done).
Unfortunately this is a night I have plans to go away for the weekend with Curlz. So I tell MrBrown no I can't make it, propose another date, he says no he can't make it then. Then, silence.
Worrying that he will never propose another date. I KNOW how stupid this sounds and this is the only place I'm willing to admit to these feelings. There's no doubt in my heart or mind that I am so looking forward to my date with Curlz that weekend. Is this the price to pay for having 2 lovers? Is it really too complicated to manage time, expectations, desires?
I hate that the feeling of calm is now being eliminated by this restlessness. I guess what I need to do is look into the heart and essence of my relationship with MrBrown. My interactions with Curlz never make me feel like this.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf
There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen