Originally Posted by LadyKane
As someone who has dealt with a lot of my own trust issues (stemming from my childhood) around my husband and opening our marriage up, (unwarranted as they were) I think counseling is the perfect answer. For me, when it first came up, I had to put polyamory on pause for about 6 months, while I figured me and my shit out. I knew I wanted the open marriage, and wanted it badly enough to face my own internal demons to try and fix myself and my issues.
Throughout my processing, XIV was ever supportive, and would randomly launch discussions about my feelings, how I was feeling, how I felt about polyamory, how I felt about life and my own processing I was doing. He wasn't pushy about it, but asked just often enough to keep the discussion open. Our communication VASTLY improved in that short time period, and I now feel absolutely solid in our relationship, in a way I didn't realize I was feeling shaky.
I'm sure with time, your wife will be able to process not just her trust issues with you (however valid or invalid they may be. Mine were invalid, turns out lol) and what I'm guessing are overall trust issues in general.
One of the weirdest things I realized through my processing, was that while I was pointing the finger at XIV and saying "I don't trust you", the bigger reality was I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself not to leave, not to break him and I and our relationship, not to break boundaries, not to hurt him before he could hurt me... all very destructive things, obviously. Realizing that and working through them was like an "A-ha" moment for me.
Do I still occasionally have some jealousy? Some. Freak out every once in awhile? Yep. But I'm human, and I over-analyze EVERYTHING. Working through my issues allowed my relationship with my husband to develop to a whole new level. I hope, (and I think it will) do the same for you and your wife. Good luck, and keep on reading. Encourage her to read and research on this forum and other sites as well. A few of the blogs really hit home for me and helped me figure some stuff out. There was one specifically that flipped a light switch in my brain. I'm trying to remember which one it was... if I think of it, I'll respond again and let you know.
It's like you're my wife, from the future. Time travel is dangerous! She has some serious trust issues and I have always kind of seen that but I took it personally when I found out it encompassed me as well. Your post reminded me that it's not just me. She doesn't trust anyone. On top of that she's always afraid she's going to hurt me. She hardly ever has the desire to tell me what's bothering her because she's afraid of hurting me or making me angry or anything. The rich part is that because it takes me so long to get her to talk to me I usually am frustrated by the time we talk. I tell her all the time to just tell me instead of leaving me in the dark.
I wish I could get her on here but she doesn't have any interest in it. I've asked her several times and even told her she could read my experiences about the week of LA and this blog but she has no desire to do that. The biggest problem I see us facing is that no counselors in this area seem to accept polyamory. There are several in Chicago but that is too far away.
I bought the love dare and the ethical slut two days ago. The B&N lady looked at me like I was nuts. I'm going to go through the love dare to strengthen our marriage since its been recommended to me by just about everyone I know and Katie saw fireproof and was like "Jesus that movie is us". Once we are Doug better I will show her the ethical slut. She loves books about topics she's interested in and since all of you have recommended it I figure why not. She's reading Dharma Punx right now because she's interested in Buddhism and the guy that wrote it is very "punk" which both her and I relate to.
I just need to be more understanding and take things less personally. I know it's not all me. I know she has family of origin issues. I know her. And yet for some reason I still get mad. Stupid temper. Well, that's one of the things the love dare is supposed to help with!