So, my present situation... the first month especially, I boggled at how amazingly well everything was going. Derrick was thrilled at how happy I was to have found not only an outlet for my dominant side but such a compatible person. Everyone got along well from the get-go - the adults and the kids. NRE was definitely in overdrive.
Then real life started getting in the way. Job schedules changed. Other obligations surfaced. Scheduling started to really become a bitch, especially scheduling one on one time, so it seemed like the NRE buzz went away very quickly. It's hard to indulge the "yay yummy new boyfriend want to glom" impulse when a preschooler is crawling on you and Yo Gabba Gabba is playing on the TV. I also struggle with being romantic/physically affectionate in front of Kitty, even though I know on the logical level she does not mind, because part of me keeps waiting for her to get mad and want me to get off her husband.
I recognize I look at a lot of things in a very monogamous manner. It's all that I know. As I've said to Derrick plenty of times, the only reason I was willing to actively be poly was because I had a specific need (to express my domme side) that he could not fulfill. Maybe not the best reason to be poly, but I've always been up front about that. I failed pretty miserably in my "i'll keep it casual" theory, which didn't surprise my husband at all. I don't do casual. I jump in to the deep end right away, I get into the physical fast, I let feelings develop.
But my monogamy-filter, as I've started calling it, is causing me frustration. I get to see Marty once, maybe twice, a week. Due to transportation and other logistical issues, the grand majority of our dates are at his home, or at least in his town. The vast majority being at his home means we are spending time not only with each other, but with Kitty and Thomas. Sometimes I take Elmo along as well. Very rarely, Derrick and Dora come along too.
I've been struggling with the fact that I know I have needs and wants not being met, but I also know it's my fault -- I'm not speaking up about what things frustrate me. I can't expect anyone to read my mind. Why don't I speak up? I'm scared that if I express what I want - or even how I feel - I'll be dumped. Nothing Marty has said or done has given me that feeling - I have created this negative mindset myself. So I am spending this time journaling, and working on determining what is it exactly that I need, what is it that I want, and what is fair/realistic for me to ask for.
I'm fortunate in that Derrick is always willing and happy to listen to me talk about things and tries to help me sort through things. I've also been fortunate in that I've been able to have a couple frank one on one talks with Kitty to assure myself of where she stands on things. The only one I've been chicken to talk to as frankly is Marty.
Part of it, I think, is that I am accustomed to the person I am dating being as excited, or moreso, than I am. And I am not saying that isn't the case. But due to the nature of the situation (kids, etc) I don't think this can go the way I am used to a new relationship going. I am trying to keep in mind that I have never started a relationship since having kids. I've never dated someone who has a kid. There are a lot of firsts in this situation which means direct comparisons to situations from my past may not be terribly fair.
So, tomorrow I will be sitting down with pen and paper and making a list of things that I need, a list of things I want, and then coming up with ideas those things can be accomplished. Or, determining if I am being incredibly unrealistic in my desires.
More to come. Bedtime now.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.