Absolutely love her to bits, but she is a complete mess right now. She still has issues with her recent ex, was not well to start with, and the pregnancy is not doing her any good.
We haven't talked a lot about DH, I mentioned some things and she told me she felt uncomfortable stuck in the middle, so I have left it. Right now she just needs space and a little support.
She thought I was going to be angry with her, apologised profusely, I can't be angry, she did nothing I hadn't consented to. She was bloody stupid not to use protection or get MAP, but she is more than suffering for that already, and it was wrong of her not to tell me about the pregnancy, but she was worried it would split me and DH up, things were already fragile.
Right now she is very ill with the pregnancy, and awaiting an abortion next week. She is really ashamed that this happen, she doesn't really want to see anyone, we talk, but just to check in so I know she is OK. She has promised to come and see me when this is all over, but it may be a while as she will have trouble with baby things (she wants her own kids at some point, but not this, right now, is adamant, we offered to adopt, but she doesn't want that, just wants it over) and I am very obviously pregnant, which makes it hard for her.
When things started with her I knew she was fragile anyway, I figured I would take it as it came, she needed to be loved, she needed the intimacy we had, and I was prepared to let her come and go as she wanted, just taking it a day at a time. I still feel that way.
We did discuss her living with us before all this kicked off, but she decided she wanted more independence (she was very reliant on her ex, for a long time), and didn't want to be a full time "auntie" either, toddlers are tiring, and she needs to put down her own roots.
In the long run I think you are right, I would happily have her as a partner if she would have me, but she needs a while without any kind of pressure to decide what she wants.
DH does want to be with me, he loves our son and is great with him, he has been putting his big boy pants on a bit lately, if he keeps going this way he will get less flakey, I'm just not sure I can afford to gamble that it won't all fall apart when it becomes too hard or too boring being responsible.