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Old 04-14-2012, 04:15 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
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Well, it sounds like everything is getting put on the table. As painful as that is, that can be a very good thing if it allows you and your wife to work through some stuff.

I am always amazed at how many people - men, women, genderqueer - who don't mind being 'shared' but can't stand their partner(s) 'sharing' themselves with others. I realize that we can't know what tweaks us until we try it, especially something as outside the norm as poly or open marriage. But this happens over and over here - I'm fine with outside partners and you should be fine with me having outside partners but God Forbid you want outside connections. And it happens in all kinds of configurations. I just don't get it. I understand the fear and dread over possibly losing a partner - but why does that lead so many to 'you can't have any' and the resentments and pain that fosters? This is one of the times human nature just confounds me.

Anyway, Kyle, a thought from my own experience. Beaker and I got back together after our first breakup. I did forgive both of us for our actions and insecurities during our breakup. I said things I so regret that just weren't true although I thought so at the time. I also realized that Beaker did the best she could in that situation at that time. She was trying her hardest. However, I never really trusted her fully again. Deep inside I figured she would leave again. But I never openly faced this in myself and so it just festered. And you know what, she did leave. She left in large part because our connection suffered. Our connection eventually withered because I always reserved part of myself from her and was not willing to deal with that openly. Your wife needs to deal with her lack of trust in you. Maybe you can help with that, maybe not. It might be her deal rather than anything you are doing now. So it is good that she told you this - that's more than I was ever able to do.

Also, counseling is a good idea at this point. Good luck.
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