Day doesn't matter
Sometime this week my wife brought to my attention that she would rather focus on us than on other relationships. A lot of things were said and I can't remember them all. Here is what I can:
1. She feels I have emotionally cheated on her in the past and although I no longer do what she considers cheating she doesn't trust me. This means she has never trusted me because what she considers cheating happened very early on.
2. She regrets going to LA
3. She is no longer speaking to LA for the time being (her choice not mine).
4. I am not required to stop but if I don't it will very likely hurt her.
5. At this point she still believes having an open marriage is viable although she doesn't know if that will be the case after counseling.
6. She wants me to share her but she doesn't want to share me. I told her this is not an option because I'm already upset she came to this conclusion after going to LA and after I started caring very deeply about A but before I got to meet A. It's unfair. It's bullshit. Such is life. I'm letting it go.
I spoke to A about all of this. We are going to remain friends but nothing more until Katie is sure she what she wants. Katie insists there's no way she could ever be truly sure until it happens so I should just do it (after counseling) and we will deal with the consequences after. I don't think I can handle that kind of risk. I don't want to lose her over this. She says that won't happen. I doubt very much that's the truth but it's what she said and I trust her so we will see.
Even coming to this site is painful because this is who I have always been and always wanted and I got a taste of it and now it's being ripped from my hands. I'm not going to actively seek out someone new during our current hardship and besides A is the person that I want to be with and I can't until we figure this shit out so no matter what I'm stuck.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old