Originally Posted by faraday
Are there things she could be doing that would help you feel better taken care of? Have you expressed those things?
I'm kind of scared to ask for her to do things for me at this point because historically if she does something for me that I asked for afterwards she often feels further entitled and says something along the lines of "now that I've done X for you, you should let me (or be okay with me) doing Y".
For example, I've gotten frustrated with her going out with friends with plans to get drunk and not come back until daylight the next morning. Why do I feel such? Alcohol used to me a much more serious issue for her (prior to our relationship being drunk for days/weeks) and presented troubles in our relationship when it came to trust in her. Like the time we were living monogamously and she got drunk and cheating on me with a guy lying to him saying it was okay with me. At that occasion she was hungover for days and then told me what happened. Then there were all the times that she'd go out saying she'd be home at whatever time at night and she wouldn't be back until the next day without ever contacting me through the night. Or the time on my birthday she went out for a beer with a friend at 4pm and I didn't find her until the next day over at a friend's house still high on ecstasy in the early afternoon. A point came where I followed some excellent advice my councilor gave me...to no longer participate in her drinking at all. A few months later she came to the realization that she couldn't drink in moderation and decided to quit. That lasted almost two years. Within those two years we got married. Then came what I know realize was a huge error on my part...I had never had any personal issues with alcohol abuse and had read how many people who were not full-on alcoholics, but more of binge drinkers could, after a year or two break from drinking at all, could then handle occasional social drinking (a.k.a. a beer or glass of wine with friends). I introduced that idea and we discussed the prospect over a course of months. And then for months all was fine until she met a gay male friend that desperately wanted a friend to go out to "the club" and get drunk with him. Suddenly agreements to be back at 2am became not coming home till 5am and bitchy drunk texts being sent to me when I ask where she is or what she's doing an hour past when she agreed to be home. I suddenly became the controlling asshole in the situation because I'd cringe when she talked of how much she was looking forward to or how much she deserved a night out to get drunk.
Ok, back to the example I began at the start of the last paragraph...so at the end of Winter quarter she was saying how she deserved a night out with her gay friend and the group of his friends that have become her's too. By night out she stated she meant to get drunk and not to come back till late the next morning. I told her how uncomfortable I feel over that whole situation and proposed how she may help me feel better about it if she makes an agreement to me to not drink for a period of time that she feels is realistic for her. We had recently worked through some serious issues I was having over her making agreements which she later didn't keep and then telling me when she made the agreement she was either not really being realistic of what she could stick to or in order to appease me in the moment was consciously agreeing to something she had no intention of sticking to. So this time she agreed no not drink for 8 weeks. So now 2 week through those 8 she is continuing to stick to the agreement and also not using the agreement against me (a.k.a. "I'm only not drinking because you want me to...because you are a controlling asshole.."). However I fear the 9th week when I'm likely to hear that because she fulfilled this agreement I should have no problem with her getting drunk with her friends and coming back whenever she feels like doing so.
Originally Posted by redpepper
My red flags here are the "free" therapy and the sex she gives out for hand outs. This does not sound healthy or sane. This woman might be the hottest thing on the planet, but giving oneself for free is damaging to the self esteem and not a way to be loved that is healthy... lots of work to do there and I wouldn't at all be surprised if that is the root of the issues... she needs a therapist that is not willing to just give her what she wants. That is really fucked up if you ask me. Something going on there I think.
To be clear, the sex for hand-outs is a thing of the past. The hand-outs in hopes of potential sex probably still exists to a much smaller degree than in her past, but I don't know of particular examples. As far as the free therapy goes, I'm reasonably confident it is just that. He's on the verge of retirement and was rather particular of who he took on as a client and now I don't believe he is taking on any new clients. I truly think he wants to see her be the best person she can and enjoys helping her work through the crap of her life that she needs to work through. They both share Buddhist philosophies and she says he's really good at "calling her out on her shit". For example, once she came in after smoking pot earlier in the day and he told her to never come into his office again high because he was not going to work with someone that wasn't committed to being completely present when in his office.