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Old 04-12-2012, 11:50 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi Jason,

As the others are kind of indicating, what you probably need here is to figure out some specifics in terms of what she can do to help you get more of your needs met. As you said, what you've been trying to do is to alter her perception of things, but that hasn't worked very well. Let me ask this: If her perception did change (in the way you wanted it to change), how do you believe that would affect her actions?

When you know the answer to that question, you may have some ideas of what to ask her to *do* that would be helpful toward you being able to feel more accepting of the situation.

It sounds like you are in for some stressful times, regardless of what happens with your relationship, due to how tight the financial situation is. Even if you were on your own, then you'd just be dealing with the alone-ness as well as the struggle to make ends meet.

Do you ever worry that you might be enabling her in some way? What about the possibility of her getting a job, have you asked her about that?

As far as work around the house goes, I guess you should, first, decide how important that issue is (that is, is it a dealbreaker), and second, put your foot down in proportion to the importance of the issue to you. That is, it might not suffice for you to tell her you'd appreciate it if she'd do some housework things while you were off working. You might have to say something more like, "Look, I want you to (x) and (y) while I'm away. Can I count on those things being done when I get back?" What you may want, emotionally, is for her to just see things from your point of view, since then she'd help out around the house more without you asking (or insisting). But since she seems to be pretty thoroughly set in her view, you may have to settle for telling her outright what specific things you expect her to do. If she's at least willing to cooperate with direct orders, that may mean she's not totally indifferent toward you. But I'm just seeing that she might need more explicit instructions here.

It sounds like there may be a bit of a maturity issue on her part. That may improve over time as she gets older (and wiser), but maturity is a slow and painstaking process (and in her case, it may take her extra long to mature). So yes, you may need to be able to say, "Okay, so she's not very mature, and doesn't have an appreciation of the amount of work that I do. What good qualities does she have that attracted me to her in the first place?" Then, try to capitalize on those good qualities (and be appreciative of them).

Hopefully you guys can get to a point where you're really communicating (sharing) with each other, and not just arguing about things. Let us know how things are going, or of whatever we may be able to say that could help.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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