I think that quite a number of us have been in a position quite similar to yours. There have been many mistakes...er... "learning opportunities" that have occurred along the way and we are all very much the wiser because of it.
I really wish that there had been a resource like this when I started realising that "something was wrong" - I initially thought it was something wrong with me. I know I would have made a LOT less mistakes and hurt a lot fewer people as a consequence.
Please feel free to talk about your own situation as much as you feel comfortable, and solicit opinions. I think there are many that hang out here in the hopes that they can help others not fall down the same rabbit holes that we did... :-)
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb