Originally Posted by darthfrog
Well obviously no-one else here apart from you actually knows the guy but it really seems to me from what you have posted that he wants to be monogamous and that is what would make him happy.
Yes he is consenting to this situation of you sleeping with someone else, but my whole point before was that due to the fact that he is in love with you and does not want to lose you/is a nice guy and wants to make you happy, that the consent is not really worth that much. If he loved you less he would leave you. And just because he loves you enough to stick around doesn't mean he doesnt feel shit inside.
And to the two people that have suggested that I have a problem with Aurelie because she enjoys sex you are wrong. Nowhere have I said I would have a problem with her enjoying all the sex that she wants if her sex life didn't centrally revolve around a romantic relationship with a unbalanced to the point of exploitative power dynamic.
Polyamory is something for equal partners to participate in together and to pursue because its what they want and enjoy, not something that someone has to suffer and accept because they are in love with someone who won't stop sleeping with someone else.
Honestly if the most important thing for you is your boyfriend it would be prudent to break up with your lover, because I don't see this situation being sutainable, the longer this situation carries on probably the more the resentment/pain will build up under the surface. If your not that fussed about him stick with the lover, dump the bf to be kind and find some people to be poly with that aren't reluctant and suffering for it.
Have you read my posts? Yes he is consenting to me being with my lover, he knew from the start, he didn't have to start a relationship with me. You say he loves me so much he is willing to suffer and accept the situation, no he doesn't, he knows that he only has to tell me that he is no longer happy with the situation and I will give up my relationship with my lover if he wants. I asked him this at the weekend. He said that he does not.
I love him enough to do that for him, and he loves me enough so that I dont have to. Not yet anyway.
We are equal partners, he just wants to be mono, and I respect that now. I have read lots of posts on here about peoples poly relationships, and what I notice is that it doesn't always work, does that mean that they have to give up one of their relationships without trying to make things better. My bf and I are trying to make things better for us all. He is jealous at the moment, thats why he has been saying these things, we can make it o.k, and he wants to try and do that. He knows how important he is to us.
He comes first, his feelings come first, but I have feelings also, as does my lover.
I am not a terrible person as you suggest, far from it, my bf is a beautiful person and although my lover can at times be an asshole, he comes through when you need him to, he has for me on lots of occasions and is a good man men it comes down to it.
Also, you say "Find some people to be poly with that aren't reluctant and suffering for it." I dont think you understand. I dont want a poly relationship for the sake of it, I want it with my two men, the two men that I love, not just any old men, I want them, and them only.
You advise me to "If your not that fussed about him stick with the lover, dump the bf to be kind." Again you dont understand.
I will never leave my boyfriend, never, not for my lover or anyone else. I dont believe that he will ever leave me either, we love each other more than anyone knows. We will work this out, we have done a good job at the weekend, it wasn't easy, but we have made a good start.
I will leave it to my bf to tell me when I should think about giving my lover up. He does not want that at the moment, and I'm grateful for his support, he does not think I'm a terrible person like you do.