I'm unsettled by the situation that I'm in, and I'm hoping I might get some useful advice from experienced others please.
Briefly: I'm in my mid forties, happy and healthy. I've been in a relationship with my partner L for almost twenty years. We've had our ups and downs, of course, but we're happy and good for each other. I love him dearly, I don't want to be without him.
June this year, I found myself back in touch with my first love, T. To my surprise and delight, I found that I am still in love with him. He has never stopped loving me and hoping that we might one day be reconciled. (However, we've had almost no contact in the intervening years.) We texted and spoke on the phone and eventually we met up. The feelings were incredibly intense and beautiful.
After a couple of months I knew that I didn't want to be without T or
L. I approached L and asked if he might consider opening our relationship. We discussed it over several weeks, and eventually he agreed. However, he said that he felt that he didn't really have a choice. He recognises that I am "madly" (his word) in love with T, he is fearful of losing me.
When T asks me "What do you want?" I say "I'm greedy, I want both of you. Why should I have to choose between these two amazing men? Why should I ration the love that is available and offered to me?" T is prepared to share me, to meet L if L wants it, and is generally being generous, open, loving, patient and kind.
L believes that T has an agenda, and is "dishonourable" for "messing with another man's lady". T pointed out (half joking) that since he knew me first and has never stopped loving me, it is in fact L that is the interloper
I feel no remorse or guilt at all, but I do feel the pain that L is experiencing, and I hate that I am causing him pain.
L either can't or won't talk about it. It's become the elephant in the room.
How can I negotiate this, how can I make it easier for L?
Obviously, this is a very brief synopsis and it's all far more interesting and complex than this post allows!