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Old 04-12-2012, 01:25 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by darthfrog View Post
Polyamory is something for equal partners to participate in together and to pursue because its what they want and enjoy, not something that someone has to suffer and accept because they are in love with someone who won't stop sleeping with someone else.
Yes, but there are usually learning curves and dealing with unexpected emotions for everyone. Rarely does any couple just say, "Okay, let's jump in" and then each of them instantaneously has the same facility to process issues, the same levels of understanding, and equal acceptance of it all, and at the same pace as their partner. Even in monogamous relationships, two people sort of leap-frog in their progress when dealing with new challenges. No one expects both people to click into place simultaneously and equally, when there is a huge change in the dynamic of a relationship. In Aurelie's situation, she was seeing her lover first, and the boyfriend knew this and knowingly accepted it, even though he had issues with it. No one forced her boyfriend to accept it. I understand this to mean that he recognized the potential for deep love and satisfaction with her, even considering anything that would be painful or uncomfortable in order to have that.

I am usually always the one who will point out to people that poly is consensual and should not be forced on anyone. However, I also have come to learn that many people consent to poly knowing full well it will be a difficult challenge and something that will bring up all sorts of demons to face, yet they say it is the trial by fire that they are willing to accept because the relationship and the person they love is worth it. Each person in a relationship is responsible for their own investment in it.

Whenever someone has ever said to me, "You deserve better" or "this isn't fair to you" I always tell them, "I'll be the one to decide that." I've had relationships end because the other person thought they were doing me a favor. No! Believe me, it felt worse than anything because I wasn't given the chance to process the challenges I was willing to face on my own terms, and the choice to end it was not reached mutually. If I tell someone, "I'm in this no matter what," don't insult me by not believing I am strong enough and don't walk on eggshells around me.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-12-2012 at 01:55 AM.
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