Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved that it was going the way of secondary instead of coprimary? How long was your relationship before you realized he thought of you as secondary instead of your clear position on coprimary?
It doesnt seem fair that you were the one who had to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. Shouldnt that have been a team effort? Do you still talk with him? You say "I'm the one that lost out". Do you still feel you lost out? Sounds to me like you did what you needed to do to care of your needs and that "losing out" would be accepting to stay in something that guts you. Hugs.
Originally Posted by dragonflysky
W2BE.....sorry for your pain and loss. I, too, was the one who lost out coming into an established relationship (not a marriage, but they had been living together for one year.) I had stated from the beginning that I did NOT want to be a secondary and would only consider polyamory...for myself...as a co-primary with his other partner. (She and I were not intimately involved....but established a friendship.) He agreed that he didn't want me to be a secondary. Ultimately, when HE got stressed out, he basically told me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, it would be more secondary in nature. He would see me if and when it worked for him and ours was to be a "fun" time together, not stressful with any "demands" on my part. I chose not to be involved with him on those terms. It hurt......bad. I not only lost him, but the friendships I had developed with his partner, her children, and other friends of their family. I could have maintained separate friendships/relationships with the others, but I knew it would mean that I'd see him eventually and hear about him regularly. It was just too painful for me to do that. It honestly hurt to think he could let go of me so easily. I had moved partially to live closer to them (and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate), changed jobs, tried my best to fit into their established life. I tried to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. And I'm the one that lost out. It's been over a year since I last saw him. The pain is much, much less, but there's still a sense of loss.