How long do you give a new relationship?
How long do you give a new relationship to blossom?
As I've posted Hubby & I are in our first semi-poly relationship. We met via a swinger website & were thrilled to find a couple interested in poly.
Initially it was very one sided in that the male partner & I communicated often and the female partner and Hubby's communication was lacking. That's improved somewhat on Hubby's end after a few heart to hearts and she assured him she does like him and is overwhelmed with her busy schedule.
My side of things the last couple of weeks has reduced immensely. When we're together (1-2 times a week) we have very interesting conversations. Previously we would talk in the evenings when his Mrs wasn't home with the understanding if she's home he would spend time with her as they have conflicting schedules & try to make the most if their time.
It was the fact that we had "real" conversations that attracted me to begin with. I had not been interested in meeting anyone in the swinger scene for some time because the talk was all about sex & felt shallow. So to have normal conversation (extra bonus points that he's an intellectual - he's a grad student) was what drew my interest. Had it been very limited I would probably not have agreed to meet them.
A couple of weeks ago they cancelled a date night & he got very quiet. They rescheduled for a few days later & we ended up seeing them two days that week do no worries there. But the communication part dropping off concerned me. I talked about it with him. He apologized and said he had been in a 'funk' and had gotten behind on school and needed to catch up. I completely understand and felt bad that because we had gotten a but carried away had effected his school work. So I did expect things would tone down a bit from then on.
He does sends me a message every single morning. But other than that we haven't been talking except when we meet. And while we do have very interesting & intellectual conversations there is always sex involved. I enjoy the sex part and to leave it out would be disappointing but when you only have a little conversation the night we see each other it's beginning to feel like that's the goal and for me it's not.
He does make the effort to contact me daily and tells me he thinks of me often etc but a few one liners does not a relationship make. We've each tried talking to them and we're beginning to wonder if poly is really what their wanting. What they describe and what they do in action is very different. Hubby and I realize we tend to like to move maybe quicker than their comfort level but not communicating to us doesn't feel like a relationship is being built. It feels like they want to swing and it be ok to feel fondly for the other partner and also they prefer to get together separately which isnt what most couples in the swinger scene prefer. That is not poly by my definition. And when ever we try to communicate more about their expectations, wanting to communicate more or where we'd like to see this go etc... we don't get a straight answer. By that I mean they often respond that they don't want to look too much into the future & just enjoy today. I'm trying to articulate that 'today' is what I'm talking about. They are both very big on not being cornered or tied down. I don't want a commitment but do want to talk to the person I'm involved with. It kind of annoys me because it's very contrary to what we discussed initially.
So, back to my original question...how long do you give to allow a true relationship to blossom? In Hubby's case were he single he may have already called it quits because it seems like a lot of frustration on our part. But at the same time I want to allow things to blossom. If I were single I wouldn't want to know certainty where things were going but I would want to know if we in general wanted the same things. I've done the sex only thing and it's not what I want. Also I think I would have been more assertive were I single. I actually when dating Hubby had a come to Jesus meeting in which I informed him there are certain things I wouldn't accept and he may do certain things with others but I expected xyz. At the time I figured I needed to be clear of what I wanted (in that case it was returning phone calls) and didn't care if it meant he ran for the door. Maybe that's what I need to do here. I tend to be more timid in my communicating so far. I have inquired what's going on by haven't said "I need xyz"
I am beginning to wonder if it may be better to start a relationship out without sex. Have we been involved in swinging so long we don't know how to build a real relationship? In an ideal world of poly we'd like love and companionship with the sex - to share all of ourselves with anither partner and fir them to truly be a partner in life. We're not 100% sure about this part but the thought of sharing households appeals to us. Maybe it's not feasible for what started out essentially as a swinging relationship can build into a real relationship especially without communication.