I sway to and fro in this new breeze of emotions, gently rocking before finding equilibrium. It's different than the gales and stormy weather of months past; this is measured, calm and gentle. There is no urgency, no wildness or fear of falling. This is quiet.
I messaged my XGF yesterday, told her that I had dreamed of her, and was missing her. She said she had been thinking of me too, but that it wasn't any kind of coincidence, as she thought about us all the time. I wonder in what sense, but don't know if I even want to ask at this point.
I just know that in this quiet, and in this calm, something interesting is happening inside of me. I never want to know how life will unfold; that beautiful mystery that happens every day as you get to glimpse a little bit more of your story as it opens up to allow you to step into the moments that will become memories. Impulsiveness tells me to go see her, ask her to meet with me, talk, hash, deal. But I'm not interested in impulsiveness; have already behaved like a lunatic, and am not interested in doing that again.
I dissect my fear with scientific clarity and peer into the creepy crevasses of my insecurity and paranoia. I look into my heart, and all that's really there is love. I don't think I was expecting that, and I truly wonder what it will look like as I move forward.
Offer was accepted, removing subjects this week and our year long project of bringing our dead cottage back to life begins. Almost at our second anniversary of being married (together for 5/12 total now) and here we are about to get into another huge project - first came opening up the second branch of my business, then came opening up our relationship with our XGF (well, there were two other openings before that, but nothing too serious), now comes renovations and hopefully restitution for some of what went wrong with our lady.
I do love my life, confusing and topsy turvy as it gets. I am grateful.
Last edited by nycindie; 01-18-2014 at 08:55 PM.
Reason: per blogger's request.