Yesterday I spent the largest majority of the day crying. JN, my husband, sat and talked with me, held me and talked with me.
It comes to my being afraid:
I am afraid he will value his ability to have sex with others more than us.
I am afraid he will compare me to them and find me lacking, that he will want to replace me.
I am afraid he will disagree with my boundaries and we will fight all the time.
I am afraid he will decide to leave.
I am afraid he will make choices that violate our agreements, and I will leave him.
I am afraid that one of those choices will mean that I end up with an STI/STD.
I am afraid the other person will hate me, make comments about me, and he will listen.
I am afraid his dates and events will take over our life together, that he will leave me home alone, to take care of the house and kids alone.
I am afraid he will convince me to try to date myself, but then no one will want me.
I am afraid he will convince me, I will find someone, and then he will change his mind, and then hold anger at me for doing what he wanted.
I am afraid our oldest (or any other family)will find out and never talk to us, or that our younger kids will find out, not understand, and resent or hate us.
I see so much risk, and for what? So he can be more than just friends with a few women? How does this help make *my* life better?
I could end up with a disease.
I could lose my oldest child, family, and friends.
I could severely damage my marriage.
I could lose my marriage and my home.
He wants me to give up feeling safe and secure, to take this huge risk, and has not really given me any idea what my return would be. A happier husband? How does that benefit me? The ability to date myself? IF anyone would have me, and I'm not convinced of that. I give up security, give up time with him, and risk disease, and get nothing in return? Why should I do that?
If he takes a hobby, I think someone mentioned bowling, he does not run the risk of getting and/or giving me herpes or AIDS. And if something is hapening with me healthwise, the bowling alley won't get pissy with him for not showing up. Or try to convince him to take it on a trip, or buy it jewelry, or stay all night.
I think we are looking at this from two very different positions. He sees all the fun and sexual experiences, and I see all the dangers and hurt that could hapoen. Until we can both see more of the other's viewpoint, nothing will change.
I just hope his patience doesn't wear out before that.