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Old 04-09-2012, 05:28 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Slightly different topic and closer to my title (radical self love)

He noticed my poster (I made it to remind me, it says 'what will I do to love myself today?' and has pictures and hearts and stuff) and commented 'you know that sounds vaguely dirty, right?' [only to you dear, only to you]

But I thought a lot about it. I've been in touch with a way more distant ex lately. He made me crazy. He was pretty emotionally abusive. I don't think for a second he was consciously trying to control me, but that's what he did. I still suffer occasionally from that (I find emotional abuse WAY more insidious than physical)(and yes, I've had both).

Anyhow, when I'm making love with First BF, the thought crosses my mind:
'Anything you want.' and I mean it. I would very likely do almost anything he asked. The difference is, he won't ask.

And the comparison struck me very much. old ex did ask for some pretty bizarre stuff (sexually and in every day life). I got no regrets, he didn't ask me to do illegal things (well, maybe some of the sex was technically illegal). But I can actually feel my brain chemistry change, and not for the better, when I'm close to him.

with First BF, I feel a chemistry change, but it's all oxytocin and positive and lovely and yummy. He is kind. And consciously so. He takes care with me. He may be the first lover in my life to do so. I believe Current BF makes an effort also, but he doesn't have the knowledge base, he doesn't know the places where kindness is needed (plus he's very likely adhd).

And my craziness, some of it, is that I'm willing to have that however I can get it. If it means only seeing him once a month (or longer), I'm willing to do that. I wasn't willing to do that the first time around. I didn't have the option of two loves the first time around. Someone to love during the time First BF isn't able to accept my love. I've got a lot to give, and I need to make sure I have people around to get it. But I'm so much more relaxed now. I'm not grasping for things I can't have. When it's time for him to say good bye, I'm not sad. I'm also ready to be done. And I look forward to next time.

I fear the NRE might not stop. :P



Life is good.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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