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Old 04-09-2012, 01:48 AM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I don't have too much useful advice I'm afraid, I am sorry that you don't feel you are being valued.

Well I think that is sad, I have a partner allergic to cats and it's quite a bit of work to try to even keep one room and bedding cat hair free, but I try. Did one of your partners specifically agree to do this or is it just that they agreed to it but nobody is taking responsibility? Maybe another clear conversation is in order, but I don't know it's going to do much good.

How did you find that they almost cheated? If they spoke up and admitted it, that's altogether different than if somebody else called them on it or caught them, and they weren't going to come clean. Did the follow up discussion about this make you reassured that they felt it was a mistake and that you had resolved what made them do this, or do you feel like you were blown off?

I would not accept being told somebody was going to cheat on me because they didn't think I was attracted enough to them as an OK answer. That right there puts a horrid onus on me to bolster their self esteem and use my time and energy on them. I would feel I had to "fake" it, if my actual love and giving and telling them I wanted them wasn't enough. They should be working a lot on their own self esteem if they have that many issues. I would guess this is a situation where you can pour everything you have into the bottomless well and they'll never feel truly loved.

STOP THAT. You are giving too much, hoping they will see how much work you are putting into the relationship? (That and trying to make it so you can breathe of course). You hope if you make their live easier they will start trying to make your life easier? Best advice ever I've heard for this situation is to make yourself your own primary. Work on your reading and homework, put yourself first.

Love Nycindie's suggestion of house meetings. It does sound like you aren't speaking up about how you're feeling as often or assertively as you could be.
The one partner had made a few commitments to me. Brush the animals, keep the litter boxes clean daily and just do a squick swiffering around the house to keep the hair and dander down as much as they can. This only seems to happen when i get upset or bitch about it. Again i do not live there, i have my own home but at some point i want us to combine households.

I found out that he was close to cheating by having the other partner beat it out of him (not literally). I knew something was wrong and so did he and he finally admitted to being on Squirt, Scruff and other sits talking to men. We also noticed that there was a lack of happiness that was like turning on a light switch.

I told him that i lost a large amount of trust in him with all of this and it will take time for him to earn it back. The sad part is, this partner is the one i never expected it from, he has the lower sex drive. I expected it from the one who has the sex drive like me (We want to $(@) like bunnies!!!)

There is a lot to repair here and we did have some talking about it today prior to me having to leave for family events. But what hurt the most was we just had this talk on Thursday about the one who was on those other sites, feeling left out and un-attractive. So i went out of my way friday to spend the entire day with just him and to make sure he knew i loved him and last night he just did the same thing to me, let me feeling unattractive and not important.

As for me doing cleaning around the house i do not mind. I feel that i should help out and once we are a family unit i will have to anyway. there are things i will not do, but i did them to try and ease the tension and allow us to have more time together. Sadly, i was wrong and all it all felt like it was a waste and in the future i will spend time doing what i need to do instead.

In my head i have always made my partners the first thing, the rank goes

1. Them
2. work
3. Me

After this episode i think i may have to reevaluate how i think about this. I always thought that i would be their top priority, making sure then that everyone is being taken care of, but obviously i was wrong. Even after our talk today i still do not feel like i am their top priority.
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