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Old 04-09-2012, 12:02 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I don't have too much useful advice I'm afraid, I am sorry that you don't feel you are being valued.

Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
I have asked several times for a few simple things, brush the animals daily, take care of the kitty litter and do a quick clean up on the floor to get rid of the animal hair. I for one am allergic to cats and they have three of them. I am always willing to help while I am here, but it seems that this is not happening, along with other things.
Well I think that is sad, I have a partner allergic to cats and it's quite a bit of work to try to even keep one room and bedding cat hair free, but I try. Did one of your partners specifically agree to do this or is it just that they agreed to it but nobody is taking responsibility? Maybe another clear conversation is in order, but I don't know it's going to do much good.

Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
About a week ago we had a huge breakdown as I would call it and the partner who is not consistent with his follow-through came close to playing outside the relationship. The agreements of our relationship are it is three and only us three.
How did you find that they almost cheated? If they spoke up and admitted it, that's altogether different than if somebody else called them on it or caught them, and they weren't going to come clean. Did the follow up discussion about this make you reassured that they felt it was a mistake and that you had resolved what made them do this, or do you feel like you were blown off?

I would not accept being told somebody was going to cheat on me because they didn't think I was attracted enough to them as an OK answer. That right there puts a horrid onus on me to bolster their self esteem and use my time and energy on them. I would feel I had to "fake" it, if my actual love and giving and telling them I wanted them wasn't enough. They should be working a lot on their own self esteem if they have that many issues. I would guess this is a situation where you can pour everything you have into the bottomless well and they'll never feel truly loved.

Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
As with every Saturday, the partner who feels unattractive goes to his personal trainer session and while he was gone I spent a good 3 hours cleaning the house. Yes it is not my house, but I feel I should contribute as I am here on weekends and I know I make a mess (Ok well not a mess, but i do create dust and dirt like anyone else). Took the dogs outside, brushed them, cleaned the floors, washed curtains, did their laundry and so on. All while I should have been working on one of my 5 classes of reading or homework, working towards my masters’ degree.
STOP THAT. You are giving too much, hoping they will see how much work you are putting into the relationship? (That and trying to make it so you can breathe of course). You hope if you make their live easier they will start trying to make your life easier? Best advice ever I've heard for this situation is to make yourself your own primary. Work on your reading and homework, put yourself first.

Love Nycindie's suggestion of house meetings. It does sound like you aren't speaking up about how you're feeling as often or assertively as you could be.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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