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Old 04-08-2012, 11:36 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Jay has two other relationships he needs to be taking care of besides you, and the demands are just going to get bigger as his child grows up. I am wondering your feelings on how much time you think he actually does need for childcare, home care and maintenance, as he said himself he was falling down on his end of that. This is why many already co-habitating people, especially with children, only realistically have X amount of time to spend on other relationships. Balancing wants vs. needs sounds like something he needs to be working on.

What would you do it it came down to Jay saying he had only two nights a week to spend with you after weighing all the spring yardwork, dealing with a soon to be toddler, his relationship with Bee, and needing a night a week to himself?

"I need for him to be able to weigh both my wants and Bee's wants and evaluate importance based on situations and not just default to "my wife is more important always". He hasn't been doing that, but I get the impression he wants to"

I don't think that is particularly helpful viewpoint. He CAN'T just do that, it's not just him with two partners, there are a ton of other factors and they do have to carry more weight sometimes, it's not just choosing between the two of you. On top of that, he ISN'T doing it, so it seems like you're trying to see problems where there aren't any.

If I were Bee, I would not agree to my partner committing to only being home only two nights a week to help in raising their child - I'd need date nights AND a couple of nights to do household stuff, errands, childcare at a minimum. Does Bee want you babysitting as you are? Does she want you to be so involved in raising her child? I cannot tell if she is not able to clearly state her boundaries or desires, thinks she isn't supposed to, or if nobody has really asked her.

All the other posters make a lot of great points I think. You really need to figure out what your minimum needs are for time and communication, present them, and see if he can meet them. Be honest with yourself about if what you want is a co-primary position, or to be MORE important than his wife. From over here it sounds like you're getting or expecting a lot more of him than his wife and child. I wonder if he is one of those people who falls into the trap of giving the partner who is being more vocal about their wants what they ask for, and assuming the quieter partner is being quieter because they are fine.

I feel kind of squicky about your desire to kind of force Bee into being involved in your relationship, she needs to become your friend so you feel the relationship is progressing. I think some honest discussion between Jay and her should be had to see if she needs her house to herself more, or is willing to have you as company X times a week. I need time and space alone in my house, and I know I'd really grow to resent it if my space was being "crowded" by my husband's partner or friends. I think Bee is giving a lot. Jay thinks Bee is giving a lot. Bee probably thinks she is giving a lot. So what is it you want you're not getting that is because of Jay and Bee's relationship?

"Our discussion went well on Wednesday and we were both happy with it."
"I decided to expect less, be more independent, and let him reach out to me."
"We wound up talking. I started off by saying that I wanted to bring up some personal concerns that we hadn't addressed on Wednesday, the big one being that I was feeling unimportant to him because our relationship discussions centred around the issues in his life, and I couldn't remember him expressing consciousness of our relationship dynamic."

It sounds like you'd benefit from focusing on that statement of independence you want to have. You thought the discussions went well, you were happy and then you started over-thinking and analyzing and deciding there were problems. If you didn't, it is probably more helpful if you phrase things as "I'd like to talk about our relationship dynamic since we didn't get to on Wed" instead of "You didn't talk about it"

In general, talk about what you want the person to do, not about how they are failing to do what you want or let you down. Focus on what it is you DO need instead of what you're not getting, it is easier for other people to say yes or no to specifics. You seem to really feel you're not getting what you want, so what specifically DO you want?
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 04-08-2012 at 11:43 PM.
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