Reply to BaggageControl
Yes, at first it was a lot like grieving. I don't think I have ever felt such emotional pain. And thanks for the hugs.
The reasons he will not explore BDSM with me are because I have no interest in those activities, and he says he knows I would just be "going along", which would be a turn-off, and that he is afraid of hurting me, and sex with me for him is about gentle, passionate love-making. Therefore he feels he needs someone else who is into that and that he doesn't have a loving sex history with.
As for seeing myself poly I honestly don't know. My husband has said that if we open our marriage that means it is open for both of us, but like I mentioned in my other post in the advice section, I have had some health problems that have made me very sensitive about my body. One commenter said that I should not worry about that, that there are men that like women of all kinds, but it's difficult. I have been with only my husband for so long, and happy to be so, I don't think I even know what it's like to flirt any more. Certainly since my health problems led to my weight gain I have put thoughts of other men out of mind because they just see an unattractive large woman I'm sure because they don't know what I've been through. My husband knows all that has happened to me, and he makes me feel secure enough to be myself. I can be sexy with him because I know he is not judging me.
We both have very close friends as a couple and separately who are like family to us so really it's not the wanting more friends to be to that triggers me it's the wanting to have sex with those new close friends that trips me up. We are each other's best friend and lover and we are married. if he becomes super close with some other woman who is into BDSM and starts having sex with her where does that leave us?
I guess I worry that being with another woman who likes the kinky things he wants and doesn't have body issues will change his thinking of me, that he will begin to judge me by her.
I have tried to think of it like a hobby, but it is hard. Free time is precious for us. He works a lot of hours in a demanding job. When you add time for his own activities that he already has, time spent with the kids, and time needed for things around the house, I am not left with much as it is. Now he wants to add another person into the mix?
I want him to be happy, I want to keep our marriage, but I am feeling less secure in our relationship than I used to.