I've really come to emotionally know that Gentleman and I can't be together.
Certainly not in the way I want. Instead of making peace with that though I find myself setting in to a kind of hopeless despair. I am having trouble seeing happiness in T and my future; mostly due to the huge family strain and pressure T and I are facing. I think my feelings for Gentleman exploded inside me with such urgency and strength because of the depth of difficulties T and I are facing; Gentleman represents a happy family life to me, something T and I so deeply lack right now. T and I have so much repair work to do, as we pick up the pieces of his failed marriage, attempt to repair relationships with our families and friends who disapproved of poly and pay off the literal debts acquired in the course of his marriage and our poly experience.
I'm having trouble seeing the good parts of our future and our present, and having to give up on 'what I wish could be' and accept instead what is has kinda made me feel deeply sad.
I apologize for the depressing post. I'm gonna take a nap, then go for a walk so I can try and force my brain into reflecting on more positive thoughts. I know I need to reorganize the way I'm thinking about this but for the moment I'm going to just give myself a break from thinking at all and just let myself 'be' with whatever it is I'm feeling.
I'm sure I'll pull myself out of this but for now I guess I need to mourn for what I wish could be.