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Old 04-08-2012, 02:09 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

Originally Posted by Hollyx View Post
My PTSD is as under control as it's ever going to be, I didn't realize that kinda trigger could still happen though, and all of us will be mindful of it in the future. TBH, I don't see it as being a big deal - maybe thats where my impatience comes from.
This right here bothers me. See, I suffer PTSD, among a myriad of other things. My past is so littered with problems that I do not remember my childhood at all and have been told by a therapist both that it's better that I never do and that I will be hospitalized at least once a year for the rest of my life.

I have run into others and gotten close to them, like you and your girlfriend, being able to bond over past hurts and horrors. What eventually split us up was our take on how to deal with it. In one such case the woman reverted to the mind and attitudes of a small child and her own children had to take care of her in a public place. She felt this was no big deal and just part of how she deals. I refuse to just accept where I am emotionally or mentally. I refuse to say that with all that happened to me I am "allowed" to use it as an excuse.

I am not trying to yell or blame, only that personally it's an issue for me and I see people who use their past as an excuse or as a reason. Please don't let it be an excuse. You don't know that it's as well or dealt with as it's ever going to be. It's scary as hell dealing with it but there are ways, and many many resources. Being aware and making others aware around you is a very important thing. My brain will just not work, I will go catatonic, but I am always working to be aware of my emotional state, finding out if there is a reason for it or if it's just the slip down or up into my diagnosed issues. Being aware and making DH and DC as well as my kids to an extent, aware keeps things moving. It helps them realize that I might need more time to myself, help around the house, to watch a horribly depressing movie, or cry for seemingly no reason. I've learned I have to ask to be held if I feel like I'm about to break, to read books that help me discover how I feel and why, how I can work to get rid of the 'programming' of how I listen, feel, and react that came from the traumas in my life.

I have never given up and just said, "This is the best it's ever going to get." I may have to be on meds for the rest of my life, I may never feel totally free, but it doesn't stop me from trying. I listen to this woman, Belle Ruth Knaperstack, at least a few times a month as I sleep, to help release past grief and pain and fear. I read about trauma and how to deal, I work to do little things that make me feel more myself and away from the person that was damaged and yes DH and I have done many talks on what has happened, what might have happened and how he might have wanted to go back in time and spare me but can't. What he can do now is help me to be stronger. Sometimes that means holding me and being the comfort for the lost little girl or young woman that didn't have that. Sometimes that means supporting me in finding ways to work past it myself and find my own strength. Don't ever think that this is the best it gets so I'm not bothered by it. IMHO, that's a cop out to not try and be stronger and if you survived, then you are stronger then you may like. Don't give up now just because it's over.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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