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Old 04-08-2012, 08:58 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496

I want to say first that I understand where you're coming from and you're not unreasonable in what you want. I will try to look at the situation from a perspective that focuses on what you can do. Please don't feel like I'm putting all the responsibility on you, I do think both Jay and Bee need to step up as well to make it work. But the only person you can control is you, so lets start there.

Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
For the last few months things between Jay and I have been rocky. Our discussions started getting really emotional and volatile, and made Bee feel insecure about when she could expect Jay to be home. We all got together and talked (briefly) and implemented a schedule where Jay would be home two nights a week and alternate weekends, which seemed to make things OK between them. Meanwhile Jay and I continued to have issues, largely around time, and my level of inclusion in his life.
What exactly is the controversy about? What is it that you want? You've said that you want to feel a sense of progression and feel cared about and feel important to him. You want to feel like you don't come second. These are all such abstract things. If those are the things you express to him as your wants and needs then it is no wonder he might feel attacked.

Do you know what you want, more concretely? What do you think would make you feel like he cares about you? What would make you feel like you are considered (even if it clashes with something Bee wants)? If he does consider you important and cares for you, how can he show it to you?

Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
He hasn't been doing that, but I get the impression he wants to, but his sense of decency prevents him from treating me badly, even when it causes Bee discomfort. I think what he wants right now is for me to not have any needs so that he doesn't have to cause Bee any discomfort -
I think he is feeling guilty. That's a tough one to shake, when you're the hinge (partner of two people who are not involved) and have two partners, with the society telling you that you're a big asshole/slut. When you feel guilty, it can make you act unfair cause you're trying sooooo hard to please everybody and that just can't be done. It is his stuff to work through, though. His responsibility, as a hinge, is to learn to manage the guilt. However, it is not his responsibility to act as a go-between for you and Bee.

I think this is one of your biggest problems
Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
he hates being caught in the middle.
Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
We both agreed that things needed to change. I expressed that it was important to me to feel a sense of progression in the relationship between Jay, Bee and I - at this point, I want to feel like we're all invested in working towards a dynamic where we're all comfortable in the same room, for a start.
He is caught in the middle. And it doesn't seem to be working at all. Your wish for a dynamic where you're all comfortable in the same room is not unreasonable. But he can't make it happen. If the discomfort is between you and Bee, you two are the ones who can do something about it. If you want to see progress with her, you might want to try to get to know her without having him in the middle. How do you feel about about asking her for a coffee, just the two of you? Don't need to talk too much heavy stuff, just expressing that you'd wish to get to know her more since it seems like you'll be a part of each others life for a while.

Your might also want to evaluate how important the group dynamic is for you. Is it essential that you and Bee be closer than you are now? Why do you think it feels awkward? Could you focus more on your relationship with Jay, and see Bee less; you seem to get along just fine which is good, there's no rule that you have to be more than that if it doesn't come naturally.

Anyway, I think this is an excellent decision
Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
I said that I'd stop hanging out at his place, which I'd been doing in response to his complaints about not having time for home maintenance or supporting Bee enough with childcare. Previously there was a pattern where I'd go to his place and then end up doing housework or being the primary baby-watcher, which I was always happy to do, but usually left us both feeling unfulfilled and crowded Bee.
I also feel like this will help with you feeling unappreciated and taken-for-granted, and with this to an extent

Originally Posted by BaggageReclaim View Post
but whenever I think about this, I think about making myself vulnerable and giving but not even being seen enough to get anything back.
I think you might want to examine your boundaries. Are you giving too much, so that it makes you feel resentful? And, again, what do you need Jay to do to make you feel like he sees you, and what do you want to make the relationship feel worthwile, like your getting enough? You should ask for that. If it is totally not feasible, then you might consider the possibility that you and Jay maybe aren't compatible in your life situations.
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
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