Thank you all for your responses.
I agree that nobody should be an "accessory" to anybody else. However I find that thinking of being married, or committed, or being in a couple should not count at all (that it lacks relevance) doesn't work for me.
I am not saying this in the sense that the married couple becomes "a unit that cannot and should not be compromised". Two people are two people, I wouldn't want to be forced to interact with people only as one half of a couple. But I'm in his life. He's in mine. Why do we suddenly need to treat each other as we don't exist under special circumstances? That, more than anything, sounds like having accessory relationships to me.
I made the choice to get married, and so did my husband. It counts for something, in my view. It doesn't get to be used as an excuse for me to spy, or to control; same is true for him. But it counts.
I suppose this means that for me, I need some kind of involvement in his life; in his poly life, too.
I don't see myself suddenly dating anyone and not letting him know, or even telling him "Well, it's me dating him, you have no say about it, and you don't get to know anything because you know what? I get to decide that I'm keeping you two separate, because that's simpler for me. Find a way to deal with it."
Perhaps it's na´ve of me to think he HAS to do the same for me. But I believe I would request it of him. As a couple I want to grow in this relationship I have with him... with him. All of him, and his being poly too. I want to know what's going on because knowing what makes him happy with someone else would help me be happy about it, too. I believe the idea is called compersion? I'm not saying I want to necessarily become BFFs with the other woman. But ... the idea that it should be perfectly okay for me to not ever get to know her is very, very strange. It makes no sense, rationally (nevermind emotionally).
I'm committed to hubby, yes; but I don't want to "divorce" him in my head where other people are concerned. I guess... I don't want him to separate me out either.
This idea bears a lot more thought than what I could put in a single post... We haven't been together that long. Perhaps our relationship will eventually look like what was described in your responses: we've been together so long that we just don't think to see it this way anymore.
For now.... Nope. I need some easing into it. Can't deal with full blown separate lives.
Last edited by SuddenlyStoneElf; 04-07-2012 at 06:28 PM.