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Old 04-07-2012, 12:42 AM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 76
Default this is anything but brief.

hey! i tried to post my summary on here earlier today, but i think it didn't work...i'm new to the site and forum, so i probably did something wrong.

i'm just BMB for now. i live in the buckle of the bible belt, and i've found only a few people who live even CLOSE to the way i want to. most, if they knew, would think i'm insane, evil, damned, wrong, etc. so...anonymity lives

i'm 31/F, artist/musician/banker/bartender. i LOVE life. it's too short. i love spending all kinds of time with all kinds of people, and i've found plenty i love to spend time with over the past 6 years. love sunshine, being outdoors, playing bartender for a big crew of friends in the backyard (anybody's backyard!) on a summer afternoon with bbq smoke drifting through the air and live music coming from the porch (am proud to say i know some of this region's BEST musicians in any genre)....love reading, wine, music (making it or listening to it), songwriting, blogging, hanging out, LAUGHING, my job, coffee on the porch nice and slow in the morning, walking to the store for groceries, snuggling on the couch, falling asleep with someone i trust and care about, being playful, LAUGHING!!, making dinner with someone whose company i enjoy, slow saturday and sunday mornings, long motorcycle rides (i have a Honda Shadow cruiser and a lil Ninja 250, both of which i'm about to trade for either a bigger rocket or crusier), the beach, the mountains....okay, now it's getting long.

am currently in a hetero/mono relationship with my best male friend, Z. we became best friends AFTER we got together. story is:

about 3 years ago, i found myself in a very frustrated relationship with a man, J (one of mine and Z's mutual best friends and a fellow musician in the area), who was actually one of the deepest loves of my life. we just could not be everything the other needed, and that's the whole bit. i loved him and wanted to be close to him and spend nights with him and take care of him, but i also wanted to grow and explore the world, myself, other connections, other people, and he was perfectly happy with having a semi-"deep" relationship with me, whom he was in love with...just as long as he had a companion and confidant.

i wanted other, more, and deeper, and he didn't. instead of talking about other options, i found myself sharing HUGE sexual sparks with Z, with whom i'd been friends for as long as i'd been with J. i didn't know until shortly afterward that he and his decade-long almost-wife had been very unhappy with their relationship (both wanted out, had discussed it and agreed, and were simply unable to make the move to sever the ties and initiate the coming-apart) for the past two years.

i didn't want to totally leave J, but i thought i had to. i wanted other things, and i thought the two ways of life could not coexist. so i bailed. it was a very painful breakup and fallout, and since it involved three or four close friends who were the core of a group of about 8 or 10, and although some did not, more took sides. it also cost me a job with a band he and i were in.

although i barely knew of the concept (i had read one book by deborah anapol, "The New Love Without Limits"), i had the seeds of polyamory in my core during my relationship with J, and even before (though i had no reason to examine or recognize it that long ago). i've always had more and better male friends than i did females. some of that was need for validation when i was younger, but as i got older, self-examination showed me what was and was not related to that need. i've always identified more as "one of the guys", and been very content as such.

Z and i hit it off and grew to be close friends. he is a very deep, caring, straightforward, INTELLIGENT, talented, and handsome man. he doesn't fuzz things, he gives it to you/me very straight. very opinionated and outspoken while thoughtful, considerate and compassionate (but not pitying). and i can't reiterate enough how we CONNECTED sexually - mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually where sex and desire and play were concerned - we were puzzle pieces that were meant to come together, whether it be short or long term. we were both starved as HELL for what the other gave, as well as starved to give what we had to give that somehow fit the other perfectly. it was a rough year, with very high highs and very low (sometimes suicidal) lows. i found out that Broken Heart Syndrome is an actual physical condition at that point.
over time, it evened out, and things got better, and Z and i ebbed and flowed as good friends and mono partners & lovers. we've had a really good year since then...

but....

it's still not what i want. i've buckled down and tried to want it; i've tried to tell him what i want (and dissolved into tears instead because it sounded so selfish, vague, and abnormal coming out of my mouth); we've broken up temporarily; we've spiralled away and come crashing back together.... he's my closest friend, he knows me very well; but i don't want to be his girlfriend - or anyone's.

i didn't know that the way i wanted to live was actually being lived by other people. i didn't know anyone who was living it up front - i knew plenty who were cheating, creeping, and lying (and yes, i've been guilty), but those things are mostly accepted although looked down upon (because they're the norm), but anything like being poly is looked at as wrong, sinful, deviant, whatever.

i want to keep the closeness and intimacy that is so good between me and Z. but i don't want to do the primary partner thing. he wants one thing, and i want another.

we've talked about polyamory as a concept and as a possibility for one or both of us. he read Francoise Simpere's "The Art & Etiquette of Polyamory" at my request. (i'm tellin you, he's a national treasure in very thin disguise.) i'd LOVE to keep him...just not all to myself - and i don't want him trying to keep me to himself either. but he has told me recently that he is, at this point, not willing to do or try the poly thing ("i'm pretty much a one-woman man...") with which i can't argue - to each his/her own - but...i want to live another way. last time we almost split, he was understanding, and it was the quietest and least emotionally loaded time we've ever discussed the difference between how each of us feels and what we each want (this was about a month ago), and we left it at "let's spend a week apart, with minimal contact and communication, and then come back together and discuss."

i missed him, but i was not at all lost without him. i missed my best friend and his near-constant presence, but not my other half, and not my one-and-only. i was happy in that week, and i felt more FREE and content than i had in several years. (and part of me felt guilty for it. guilt is another of my trip-ups.) we crashed back together after the week was up - it was not pretty, and several days later i got myself out of my helpless mental loop and decided to just be who the fuck i was, and he was going to have to start listening to what i was DOING instead of what i found it so hard communicate verbally. and we spend two or three really good weeks together!! and then i slowly started pulling away, until i haven't seen him at all for the past 2 or 3 days, simply because it's so hard to tell him AGAIN the vagueness of what i want (he wants something concrete to wrap his mind around, like "there's someone else" or "i'm still in love with my ex" or "i'm gay" or "you're ugly", and none of that applies). i've been avoiding him altogether.

i feel like i need to tell him that we need a MONTH off, period; it's not up for discussion.

i want to live as a solo poly, with all options open. i want to be open to the possibility of anything happening, either the familiar or the unknown, and it be OKAY (and FEEL okay!) for me to follow, or not, whatever is on the wind that catches my desire.
this includes sharing time & experiences with him - but not if doing so means ruling out altogether the possibility of sharing similar time & experiences with other people who might move me in similar ways.

this is a really long intro/story, guys. if you managed to care enough to stick with it, thanks again for reading.

namaste!!!

BMG
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