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Old 04-06-2012, 07:03 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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I'm just going by BMB for the time being. Am 31/F and have identified as sexually straight with some attraction(s) to females, depending on the person and circumstance(s). But all my relationships have been mono and with men, including the one i'm currently in.

Am a musician/banker/artist who likes both serious time to myself (or with one other intimate) as well as to hang out with a crew, cookout, turn the music up, and let the drinks and fun flow.

Currently in a monogamous relationship with one of my best friends (Z), but it did NOT start well. about 2 years ago, found myself at the frustrated tail-end of a 3-year mono relationship with one of OUR former best friends (and fellow musician - not a good thing) J, and was creeping around behind his back for emotional/mental connection elsewhere (trying relatively successfully to stay away from crossing lines sexually) when HUGE sexual sparks flew between myself and Z out of nowhere. long story shorter, i'd known i needed/wanted more out of life and relationships than J and i had been sharing, although i was still very much in love with him...felt like i was very thirsty for connection (not just sexually) and there was simply no more water in our well - J wanted a companion, but he didn't want to go any "deeper" with me. Anyway - Z and i hit it off, and it was fabulous from the beginning. our being together, and his being such a deep, honest, and strong individual, met needs and desires i had and more that i didn't realize i had...except...there was nothing in me that wanted to be in a monogamous, committed relationship - with him or anyone else. all i wanted to do was hang loose, get to know myself better, and drop the pressure. no expectations, no unspoken assumptions.

i also still had deep feelings for my ex, J, and we've been able to make amends to some degree since then, and to talk about all that happened and why. it put a big split between him and Z, as well as their circle of friends (which had been together 10+ years, long before i came on the scene 5 or so years ago). needless to say, it's a sticky situation, and i am not proud of the part i played in it, although i would not trade what happened and what has grown between Z and myself since then for anything. nor would i trade what i have learned about MYSELF and what i want, and the strength i've gained in the process.

Z and i have been on and off for about 2 years now, spiralling in and pulling away. we are mono together because he is my best friend and i want to keep that between us. i love him and respect him, he is an absolute treasure. i've read several books on polyamory in the past couple years, and only recently stumbled across the concept of "solo polyamory" in "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino, and i realize that that is what i want, without doubt.

Z and i live separately, spend a lot of time together until i feel i'm going to go crazy by only having him as an intimate in my life. we've talked upon multiple occasions about polyamory as it might apply to each or either of us. he has read (at my request) "The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory" by Francoise Simpere (great book), and after serious reflection on it and himself, he's told me that he feels he is and wants to continue to be monogamous. i know that i am leaning in the direction of being a solo poly, and that i cannot stay in this relationship long because it puts me in a box that i am aching to break out of. my heart and my gut are headed elsewhere, to other ways of living and connecting.

i've ALWAYS had emotional connections to a variety of people, especially men (i'm working successfully on sharing more of myself with women, and realizing that there's been a deep-seated suspicion toward women in my past that prevented me from opening up to many potential friends and close companions), while being in relationship with one man. i've always been and felt a lot like "one of the boys" (my male friends have told me they've seen me this way as well), and i like it. i love who and what i am...until old programming sometimes takes hold of me and i feel a lot of residual guilt over not meeting the "norms."

so...long story long...that's probably the best description of me at this point, because thinking about all this occupies a lot of my time.

sorry that's such a long "summary"! thanks for reading. any thoughts are encouraged...
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