Added to, Joining In
So, there have been a few things that have just lately driven me absolutely nuts. Now I know, if the flavor of poly is working for all parties involved then good enough! Really, so many flavors aren't mine so that I just shrug and go, 'good for you'. Poly is the fringe of normal. Well, quite often I feel the fringe of fringe. I'm not kinky enough to be considered kinky, I'm not freak enough to be a freak, geek enough to be a geek, so on and so on.
Now, here's the thing that really just gets to me and I'm wondering if someone can explain it in a way that possibly makes sense.
I don't get these ads or requests for people to "Join our Marriage/Relationship" or "Looking for the right M/F/Other to Join our relationship"
My marriage, is my marriage. It's OUR marriage. If I'm dating someone else, or if DH is, then sure, eventually it might even add to our relationship in some ways. Just as my relationship with DH will add to my other relationship. I get the interconnectedness of it all. Really I do. There is no way to have two completely autonomous relationships. Now DH and DC are not buds, friends, they aren't even really acquaintances. They haven't met, haven't talked other than one text while I was incapacitated. So the two relationships are probably as autonomous as they can get, but there's always overlap. With shared time, jokes and other things.
I guess what I'm baffled about is the times, and there are more than I would like, that I'm approached with a 'my husband and I would like you to join us' thing. If they are both interested in me, then fine, approach me. Separately. You are two people. I would have to see if I was interested in you as individuals. I may LOVE the way you interact as a couple, as a unit, but dating a unit just doesn't even seem possible to me. In that unit, there are two distinct people.
I get threesomes, I get the fun of some sexual fun with three people. I am just flabbergasted at the idea of being able to just insert someone into an existing relationship rather than wanting to start a new relationship. It seems to me almost like trying to add a third leg to a person and expecting them to run smoothly.
Any help? I'll be honest, part of me thinks there just is no answer but if there is, it might help with those winks and semi stalking comments of 'WE are interested in you'.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former