Missing Normal...Struggling, Loving and Learning
I have been struggling a lot lately in regards to missing "normalcy" in how it used to be defined for me. Although I was never fully connected to the people in my old social community it was comfortable, stable, and understood. It was also what most of the people around me were doing and I'm totally ok with not questioning or going against the flow.
I find peace in being separate from "communities" in general. Although I blend easily enough with most I never feel attached or integrated despite how it looks on the outside. I have always been very social but don't seek out people to surround myself with. They flow passed me and I exchange passing words while we are in earshot. I can walk the streets of Hong Kong and still feel alone. I like this, being alone is a nice place for me.
I have felt some resentment in being pulled into another community through my relationship with Redpepper. Compounding my natural resistance to community involvement is the fact that this is an extremely different community than I have known and been raised in. Poly, sex positive, kink, BDSM, even activism, socialism, vegetarianism, and passionate environmentalism are all different to me in a community sense and yet they are a part of my life now. I am learning and finding enjoyment in some of these new areas but the sheer pressure of this feels like a tidal wave sometimes.
Individually I find the people I have met to be creative, thoughtful, involved, fun and certainly interesting….when I think of the "community" as a whole, I lose sight of the individual faces and see a large burry foreign object coming at me with experiences I have a hard time relating to and approaches to life that threaten my old idea of "normal".
Before I would simply turn away from the oncoming strangeness or lash out to disperse it. But amongst that big daunting cloud is a glowing radiance that I feel destined to be with.
Love is not enough for me to be healthy. I have to be comfortable with the new social direction my life has taken. I don't see how I can separate myself from the community the woman I love embraces and wants; if it remains unknown than it remains a threat. I've played that out in my head and it would be "the beginning of the end" for me. It would be like living a separate life or having a casual relationship that is not acceptable for me. I am either romantically in or out. I can be friend or full blown Love, but nothing in between; there are no half measures with Redpepper.
So I struggle. I'm forcing myself to let go of an old community that I never really belonged to. I'm pushing myself to embrace the community the woman I love enjoys and am making headway for sure. I have a long way to go in coming to terms with this area of inner conflict but I get so much support from Redpepper and her husband.
The love I have for Redpepper is immense and has made me work harder than in any other relationship because the issues span a broad spectrum. Dealing with the mono-poly thing is just the tip of the iceberg in our relationship. We have taken a dive off a cliff and the waters are a lot deeper than they look….I just need to avoid drowning.
Peace and Love
Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes
Poly Events All Over