My history is this: my husband and I have been married over 20 years. I'll call him JN. We have three children, two are still at home. I have been a stay-at-home mom for most of child #2's life and all of child #3's. I have had some health issues that started after child #2 but before child #3. These issues have caused me to gain (and lose and regain) a fair amount of weight. our marriage has had its ups and downs but I don't think anyone would say that it has been less that a solid happy marriage, even me.
but then several months ago my husband sat me down and told me that he was pretty sure he is poly and told me that he wanted to be able to see other women to make friends and have sex if it worked out that way. He also mentioned having an interest in BDSM. I was shocked, and very upset. He went on to say that he knew he couldn't do the BDSM things with me, but that he wasn't seeking women just for that. I was crushed, I cried for days, couldn't eat or sleep. he kept telling me that he didn't want to leave me and that nothing was wrong between us.
and here it is several months later and we are still together and he is as sweet and loving as ever, but I can't shake the panic I feel whenever he wants to discuss opening our marriage.
I ask him why he doesn't just leave me if he wants to have all these other women, and he tells me it's because he loves me and doesn't want to live without me, it's just that he wants this too sometimes.
I am so afraid that he will leave me though once he finds someone else who is thinner and has fewer health problems. He tells me that's not true, but I feel it is. Our sex life has not dwindled away like others we know, even during hard times or when I was having rough spells. So I am very confused.
I don't want to lose him, but I don't know that I can share him this way.