Originally Posted by opalescent
There was a reason, maybe not a good, rational, logical reason, but there is a reason(s) for your pain and jealousy. Did you ever try to understand why you were feeling these feelings? Did you fear his loss? Did you feel 'less'? These are some of the more common feelings behind why people feel jealous. In other words, what was the emotions driving your jealousy? If you truly don't know, then jealousy can't be easily addressed, even when everyone involved does everything right, like what you described. It will be difficult, if not impossible, for you and your partner to proceed with poly until the underlying causes are brought into the light.
And, yes, ultimately, it could be that monogamy is a better choice for you than polyamory. You could be monogamous with a poly partner but you would still have to deal with understanding and managing jealousy.
It took me a while to come up with an answer to this. I am not 100% sure, but I think the source of the jealousy was that I felt (feel) inadequate. There are little issues that, I suspect, in a monogamous relationship, I would be able to deal with and move on, or ignore. But it all centers around a sense of feeling inadequate.
I think that I felt like my partner is always going to be looking for someone a little bit better than me -- someone with a different body type, someone more artistic/creative, someone less caustic, someone less of a know-it-all, someone more interesting, etc. I suspect that I always felt a little bit like he didn't REALLYreally love me, and then when he wanted to find a secondary that was just proof.
And I don't know if I'm right. I don't know if this is an irrational fear that I need to talk myself out of, or if I am correctly picking up on something that neither of us wants to admit.
Thanks for asking those questions. I was surprised by how hard it was to answer them.