Day?? All This Madness
I haven't been keeping up with my postings because things effectively blew up in my household and the fallout carried on for 4 days? Hell, I'm still feeling it.
I went from feeling happy and hopeful about my relationship with Nancy and about our triad to feeling completely hopeless. Right now, in this moment I feel like this relationship isn't going to ever be right for me. I keep asking myself, "What the fuck are you thinking??"
When my partners came home from their trip they were both excited and happy to see me. Part of me was surprised because it had only been 3 days but their excitement over me made me feel good (even if I was a little awkward with so much attention). Nancy kept saying how much she really wanted to hang out with me and have sex with me that I thought, "Ok! This is what I've been looking for! Awesome!"
WARNING: VENTING AHEAD
Then drama. This after already having a stressful work/school week and not being able to have alone time with either of my partners until the weekend. One thing I've continued to struggle with since this triad is how my alone with both of them (especially Hardy) has been darastically reduced. If I'm lucky, I may get one night a week with both of them, otherwise I see them for a grand total of 30 minutes before they go to bed during the week. I feel neglected most of the time but I try to keep my head up about it because the other option is to scream and fight.
Did I mention I'm starting to reach the end of my rope about this? No, ok, I'll get to that.
Lately it seems like when there is a problem, it isn't mine in the sense that it's my conflict, but even when it doesn't involve me I still get the fallout. I get Nancy being passive aggressive to Hardy and I see Hardy withdrawing and there's me with anxiety and general unhappiness.
The problem is, whenever there is drama between Nancy and Hardy, the fallout ALWAYS affects my alone time with Hardy. Nancy and Hardy fight? There goes both nights I was supposed to have alone with Hardy because I stay up one night trying to comfort my crying girlfriend and am exhausted the next day where all Hardy wants to do is sleep or find some form of escape. This also means trying to be a sympathetic shoulder to Nancy while she's unhappy and angry and there goes that time with her too. But it's ok, this is hard on them, I can handle my needs going on the backburner for now. Oh, Nancy can't sleep because of her anxiety and insomnia? Oh that's ok, Hardy will stay up with her until 4 am trying to help her sleep. It just means that the next day where he and I are supposed to spend the day together, I'll be lucky if I have a few hours. But that's ok, because she's going through a rough time. Oh, I ask to sleep in the middle of the bed because I miss sleeping next to Hardy and cue another restless night for Nancy because I've "upset her routine?" That's ok if none of us get any sleep or if it puts everyone in the bad mood for the night. What's that? Nancy and Hardy had drama that didn't really get resolved so while things are uncomfortable for everyone in the house because of hurt feelings, I get to sit up with Nancy as she drinks and rants and raves about the problem all night long when you've been up ass early in the morning? That's ok, you're just trying to be a supportive girlfriend. It's ok if during this conversation what you say backfires and causes a fight between the two of you that while it gets solved quickly, you still have all these ugly feelings you don't know how to deal with about your girlfriend, the woman you wanted to spend your life with.
All this on top of the fact that our schedules rarely sync up and I'm barely home as it is so alone time is incredibly prescious to me.
Can anyone see how I'm not handling things so well right now? I've spent months and months trying to keep my head above the water, not let the bad thoughts get the better of me and try to be happy with "Baby, I know you're not getting your needs met right now because of circumstances out of control and your work/school schedule. But it's going to be ok because we'll have time, we have the rest of our lives together!"
Well, I shouldn't have to wait for tomorrow to come. Not when I've been doing this months. Not when I've put so much effort into doing the right thing and feeling like it only half works half the time.
/vent (exhale, try to breathe)
I have to feel like things don't have to be this hard. Is this what it means to love someone? Swinging back and forth between feeling love and misery? It's so frustrating that because of the way Nancy is and because of the way things are, I have to fight that feeling that goes "I wish it was just me and Hardy. I miss him so much. I hate having to share him when I'm getting the raw end of this deal." Because, if I have these feelings and they never really go away, am I making a mistake? But I don't want to leave because while I love them both, Hardy makes me happy (when we actually get time together.) I love him so deeply and completely that I hate to throw away my relationship with him because I don't know if I can be in a relationship with her. Or if because I want a poly relationship anymore?
I know this is all broken and confusing but I just had to get this out. I've been feeling worn out and crazy because there has been literally 4 days of fallout. When I was sharing the detailed experience with a friend of mine her response to whenever I said "Oh wait, there's more." was "There's MORE? oh dear god."
I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too.
I keep letting him get away with it because I know how stressed he his and how unhappy all this crap makes him. I keept letting it happen because I love him so much that I just want him to be happy. But I can't keep allowing anyone to put me on the backburner anymore (myself most of all.) I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be considered. I deserve my time with my partners. I deserve to have a relationship that fulfils me. And this one isn't doing that right now.
I want to believe that things can get better but I only half heartedly want that. Because right now, I don't have the energy. More and more leaving looks better and better. No feeling neglected, no jealousy, no pain, no feeling unimportant or second best.
Now I feel less like an overblown balloon ready to explode. But something still has to give.