Yeah, unfortunately, you and J have different definitions of a romantic relationship and different resources to meet those definitions. The parents I know with difficult, challenging children - for whatever reason - have so much less time to give to anything else, even beyond what 'normal' parents with 'normal' children have. He is just not ever going to have the time that you want with a romantic partner. And neither of you is wrong. He needs to be close to home right now and you deserve someone to go out on the town with you. You just don't suit each other.
Yes, they do sound joined at the hip. Showing the wife all of your texts, etc. is rather controlling especially as it seems you tolerate that but didn't agree to it it like it. But they are probably in crisis mode a fair bit and may have evolved that way in part to cope with a difficult situation at home. At any rate, it doesn't matter as an above commentator had noted J had made his choice clear. Let him go, remember him fondly, stay friends, and look him up 20 years from now :-)