Hi there. First of all, I keep chuckling over your use of the terms "vanilla interest," "vanilla hobby," etc. I wouldn't have automatically thought that any hobby, interest, or club a person joined would be kink-related, so to keep mentioning that it's "vanilla," as if to let us know it's NOT kinky, kind of cracks me up! And makes me even more curious, ha-ha!
So, on to your dilemma - I think I would agree that you don't need to bring up poly before knowing if there is any interest on her part. I never see the point in doing so myself, unless someone specifically asks me what my relationship status is. Personally, I feel that if it's a social event not organized specifically for dating or meeting prospects for dates, and you meet someone there, it's an arrogant assumption to tell them right away that one is poly. It comes off like you're assuming they want you, but they'd be like, "Okay, who asked you?" I mean, if you weren't poly in this situation, would you jump at the chance to hit everyone over the head with the fact that you're married when all you're doing is getting together to share an interest in a hobby? Methinks not. At this point, you're simply developing a friendship, you have an attraction to her, and you're not sure if she is aware of that or has mutual interest, so how you've handled it all sounds okay to me so far. I would probably try to find a way to bring it up the next time you see her outside of the group's activities, if she expresses an interest or if you feel like there's enough time and a relaxed enough atmosphere to talk about relationship stuff.
So, are you saying that there were two Tuesdays in a row that she did not attend the club activities where you would normally see her? If I were you I would wait until a few days before the next regularly scheduled meeting and call her to check in and ask her how she's doing. Keep it friendly and relaxed. See if she needs anything, after having that procedure, and offer to help if you feel that's appropriate. Then I would just say something like, "I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hope to see you soon." That should be a good opening for her if she wants to converse some more, make a date to meet, or ask you anything. Does that sound reasonable to you?
Last edited by nycindie; 04-04-2012 at 03:13 AM.