I’d like to hear the thoughts of more experienced poly folks about what I should do in my situation. I am hoping for an interesting discussion.
Here is the problem:
After figuring out that online dating borders on “lost cause” for me as a married guy in an open relationship, I stumbled upon a different opportunity: I have a vanilla interest and found a place, not far from where I live, where people with that interest gather. Let’s call that place “the club.” The older folks outnumber those that are my age and the women outnumber the men, sometimes by large margin. Unlike a dating site there people can just pass on, the place here makes us know each other and warm up. There is a whole bunch of people I’d love to be “friends or more” with. So far so good
There is one woman in whom I am seriously interested. She is beautiful and it is clear that she knows it by the way how she dresses up. She is very intelligent, comfortable with who she is, and seems quite happy with her life. Her husband has passed away a long time ago and nothing suggests that she is in a relationship. I am in my late 30s and she is at least 60.
We talked a few time in the club about the vanilla hobby and exchanged phone numbers. We spoke a few times on the phone briefly, arranging to meet independently regarding the vanilla activity. Ten days ago, on the weekend, after some back and forth (each of us calling the other), we met outside once and had good time for a couple of hours, which ended with a nice general talk.
So far this is the farthest we went. We planned that each of us go on Tuesday as usual for an event at the club. Few hours before the start she called to say that she had an eye procedure, did not feel comfortable, and would skip the event. “I though I should let you know” she said. It was an unpleasant surprise, but I kept hoping that will meet her later. In any case, I was hoping that she would show up today as well, but she did not. We haven spoken since; I called once and nobody answered.
I wander about a few things.
On one hand, being almost 30 years my senior, she might not even think that I could be interested in her. On the other hand, I suspect that a woman with her brains would sense from miles if someone is into her. I don’t know which factor prevails.
I am not sure how to proceed here
. Normally, I will just try to call, pretend to be calm, and either ask her to meet our or plan something for the vanilla club.
I haven’t told her yet that I am married and in open relationship. I plan to do this once there is any indication of mutual romantic interest. The reason is that I don’t want to scare her away before giving her a chance to know me better. Athena (my wife on this board) and I now live in two places during the week and see each almost as rarely as every other weekend. Thus, we are not in a poly community where everyone knows us as a couple.