Today has been a strange day. I have been busy with the preparations for the registration for my finals and suddenly I saw this little line on one of my formulas, still empty, stating that I need a stamp from one of my schools where I did my my internship. So I called my old school to ask for an appointment, as time is pressing right now, I need to hand things in this week, and no one answered. It took me some minutes to realize that they are on Easter holidays right now. For another one and a half week. All the plans crock up, that was that. I will have to be extremely lucky to somehow make it in time, I doubt that I will make it.
While thinking about the consequences, I realized a not so pleasant truth. Stream of consciuosness: my finals will be delayed for half an year I don't want to take longer than planned I want to have a child and not postpone that for another year I will have to do all exams in one audit period (9 exams, I planned the first half for late summer and the second half for late winter, will have to do all in the second half now) this will put pressure on all three of us Sward wants to stay home (with his health condition right now a decision I support) I may need another semester to really do all exams if I fail one or two (possible with this number at once) who would be there to earn money full time? > all summed up to one person I was not that sure of burdening with this situation at all: Lin.
Lin and I know how fast this relationship is progressing and I didn't want too much pressure too early or constantly being present in it. There is a link between my relationship with Sward and my relationship with Lin naturally, as they are both connected through me. Therefore I hate the thought of pressuring him into a situation he can't really change as soon as he gave the 'Go' once: We can't think twice about a child as soon as I am pregnant. Sward and I really want one. We waited long enough. But as sure as Sward and I are that we are ready, Lin and I know that we wouldn't have thought about a child if we have been alone. While thinking about this, I became a bit depressed and felt that I couldn't burden him with this situation. Which made me really sad.
After I did some brooding over this for some time, Lin and I talked. I told him that I thought it to be unfair that I would put him in a situation where he would be responsible for our income as well (meaning him in charge of the lion's share) because Sward and I want to live up to our dream. Because that what's it seemed to be from my point of view. (In the case of me not finding a job after my legal clerkship at worst or to support the family as soon as the child is there.) I wouldn't have thought twice about this if I felt that he was as enthusiastic about a child as we are, but as things are, he would regard this as an obligation not as something he would have wished for for himself.
First of all he told me not to worry that much. That he can't do me the favor and promise that he will 100% OK with everything coming our way, but that he knew that he was getting into a situation, where he has to accept certain things and that he was confident to find a way to deal with that. In contrast to me, Lin isn't a planner. The farthest ahead he is normally thinking in advance are two months. Due to his illness there have been multiple times he was told You could be done for in half a year or earlier. and he said that if he would have done what I normally do (worry about all the possibilities ahead of him) he would be dead by now. More than once. Therefore he learned to take one day at a time and not to worry about the future too much. The second effect of that was that he is some kind of a realistic pessimist. He doesn't think of life as all roses and such and he always stays grounded, not expecting only good things to come his way.
In regard to the child matter, he said, that he was sure that there will be hard and not so great times in addition to that. That things certainly are bound to change with it. But that he was absolutely sure that he wants to stay with me and grow old with me (planning till his death, how shocking ^.^) and that he therefore believes that things will work out. Yes, he was seeing this more as an obligation than getting all excited over it. But that this wasn't something I was forcing on him without him having the possibility to say no. That he thought about the things in advance during the time he positioned himself towards the matter (our early talks about children when we moved in together back then) and that he had come to an agreement with the situation: He felt ready for something like that, otherwise he would have never said yes at all.
I am still a bit insecure about the possible root for big trouble in the future. I guess I will have to talk about the matter with Sward and Lin again. (I know, I am impossible, but that's the way I work, I need to talk things till they are totally beaten and unable to move one inch, to never raise their ugly heads again
) For now I will wait for my head to calm down again.